


ketchup toast

by az49



Category: TWICE (Band)
Genre: Character Death, Character Study, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Initially JeongMi, Misamo friendship is central, Non-Linear Narrative, Recreational Drug Use, Smoking, The tags are in that order for a reason, This is heavy, Ultimately Minayeon, You Have Been Warned, but I sprinkled fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-31
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-17 07:40:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 30,336
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29096658
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/az49/pseuds/az49
Summary: Mina was okay, but that doesn't explain why she was standing on the overpass screaming at herself.
Relationships: Im Nayeon/Myoui Mina, Myoui Mina/Yoo Jeongyeon
Comments: 60
Kudos: 166





	1. Chapter 1

_So I put a bullet where I shoulda put a helmet_   
_And I crash my car cause I wanna get carried away_   
_That's why I'm standing on the overpass screaming at myself,_

_Hey, I wanna get better!_

\- I Wanna Get Better, Bleachers

—

A dull ache was boring its way into her back, strong enough to wake her up from her sleep. It was irritating, to get up before the alarm because sleep was hard to come by, but it was probably her fault anyway. The mattress was eons past the five-year warranty the product merchandiser had promised, the springs and bubbles and some viscoelastic polyurethane making up the foam was bound to lose its quality. That, and mattress manufacturers probably made the warranty thinking people would lie on it around eight hours a day; it was safe to say that they didn’t account for sad days– the stretches of days, maybe weeks when life gets too much and all there is to do is just lie down. Mina really should buy a new mattress soon. Backaches were a bitch.

With eyes closed, as an attempt to block out the morning from her sight, she felt for the cigarette box on her bedside drawer. After a practiced series of movements and some twenty seconds later, a lone cigarette stick was in between her index and middle finger waiting to be lit.

_Ah, fuck._

She left her lighter at the balcony, beside her ashtray where she had a smoke last night before she retired to her bed. Letting out an audible groan, Mina opened her eyes and padded her way outside. 

The sun’s rays were soft whispers on her skin. The heat was a caress, just enough to cross the threshold for her to feel it on her, but some levels below being prickly and painful. Mina fixed her gaze on the child lounging around the pool that was at the middle of their apartment complex. A feeling of envy bubbled inside her.

A lifetime ago, Mina loved swimming. Swimming in pools, in the seas, and sometimes at obscure waterfalls that their parents brought them too. The feeling of being submerged in cool water was nice, and the memories of playing in the water with Tzuyu was one of the things Mina treasured.

The thought of Tzuyu made her take a long drag, powerful enough to burn the remaining stick. The length of red-orange ash flew to her wrists. Once again, losing track of her thoughts burned her.

“Honey! Come inside, your ketchup toast is ready!” It was probably the mother calling out to her kid, because the kid at the pool instantly paddled her way to the edge, excited for her breakfast. A smile crept up to Mina’s face when she heard about the ketchup toast. That sounded appetizing, and she made a mental note to get some ketchup later. Following the kid’s actions, Mina made her way back inside as well.

Her girlfriend was already up and about, dressed in her work clothes and _wait, why is she unplugging the lamp?_

“Jeong? What’s wrong?” Mina racked her brain for the events of last night, on where she could have possibly screwed up to make her girlfriend mad this early in the morning.

Mina picked her up from work, they had three slices of pizza and a milkshake split between them for dinner, and they went home. Her girlfriend slept earlier than her, and that was it.

_What the fuck is happening?_

Jeongyeon finally managed to unplug the lamp after some forceful pulls. She secured it in her arms before facing Mina. Her shoulders were sagged, and her back was slouched. She looked tired.

“Mina, I’m tired.” Ah, Mina was right. Mina suppressed a smile from forming on her face, a smile was the last thing Jeongyeon needed to see. Her girlfriend’s facial features were meeting in the middle, with eyebrows slanting downward, lips puckered into a limbo between a pout and a frown, and her nose scrunched up like there was something foul in the air. It was a look she pulled before she gave up on their Mario Kart bet, but this time it felt heavier than a video game decision.

“I give up.” Ah, Mina was right again. _Wait –_

“Jeong, baby, no.” Mina heard herself saying, and felt her feet move towards the blonde. “Let’s talk this one out, hmm?” She saw Jeongyeon shudder the moment her hand touched Jeongyeon’s shoulder, and being this near, Mina could now see tabletop from where the lamp was taken.

_Fuck._

She now remembers. She remembers Jeongyeon sleeping immediately when they arrived at the apartment. She remembers having the itch that could have only been satiated by the glass rocks she bought behind her girlfriend’s back. She remembers promising herself to clean up after her session.

The clean-up never happened, her small sachet still had half of its contents inside, clear as day under the sunlight. The used needle and vials were beside it, but hey, at least she had the sense to place the needle’s cap back. A slight wince made way to Mina’s face.

“Mina, you need help.” Mina winced harder, and the roll of her eyes couldn’t be stopped. It was a line that was repeated to her for more times that she could ever count, from more people than she could name, and frankly, it only served to sour her mood.

“I don’t.” Mina let go of Jeongyeon’s shoulder, choosing to cross her arms in defiance. “I really don’t. I’m good, Jeong. We’re doing good. Put back the lamp, please?” Mina changed her tone, and for a moment she thought it worked.

Recently, Jeongyeon had been hellbent on 'fixing' her, enrolling them in all those support groups and collecting flyers from different rehabilitation centers. Mina never understood her girlfriend’s obsession because she was, she _is_ , okay.

Mina didn’t get why Jeongyeon behaved this way, they _did_ meet at a drug den down on 19th Street, albeit Jeongyeon was the police officer and Mina was one of the users running away from the drug den when the surprise drug bust happened.

Their second meeting was at a bar up Peach Avenue, Mina was sober and Jeongyeon wasn’t. Jeongyeon unloaded to Mina, and Mina sat beside her slowly sobering the cop up. The next day, Jeongyeon took her out for dinner, and probably on their seventh date, they started fucking.

That was all a year ago. Jeongyeon was nice, they bonded over video games and the Marvel Cinematic Universe. The sex was good too. 

Something shifted around six months into their relationship, when Jeongyeon started picking up flyers and being pro-active on mental health activities in their community. If Mina would think about it a second more than she usually did, she’d realize that Jeongyeon’s activities coincided with Tzuyu’s death anniversary. But Mina would never blame her baby sister on anything bad that happened to her, so she avoided going down that trail of thought. 

The creaking of the front door drew Mina back to the present. Jeongyeon was marching out, and really, it was too early for this kind of drama. Running to catch up, Mina grasped Jeongyeon by the arm.

“This is crazy, we aren’t even awake yet. Come back, I’ll make you an espresso.” If Mina was shit before she had her morning smoke, then Jeongyeon was shit before she had her morning coffee. Two shots on workdays, one shot on rest days. Mina even bought an espresso machine when she found out about her girlfriend’s need for caffeine. Sana called her whipped, while Momo laughed it off saying it was Mina’s way of compensating for her shortcomings. Whoever was right among her friends didn’t matter, because right now, Jeongyeon was _still_ marching out of the apartment. 

It was a string of “No” and “I can’t do this anymore” on loop from Jeongyeon while Mina struggled to catch up to her. Walking down the complex in her penguin slippers wasn’t exactly ideal.

“Mina, ” Jeongyeon started once they reached the sidewalk, and by the deep breath she took, this speech was planned long ahead, “if you could even begin to examine yourself the way you examine everyone else, that analytical, no, judgmental – yes, that’s the word – lens, then, maybe we could get somewhere.”

_Get where?_ Mina had to hold her tongue, because fighting sass with sass never got her anywhere with Jeongyeon and _okay_ , the paraphernalia was supposed to be tucked in her bottom drawer way before Jeongyeon was awake.

She tried to spurt something out, a promise or an excuse, anything to keep her girlfriend and the damned lamp that was tucked into her arms, but what could she say? She didn’t want to promise anything she couldn’t keep, and all excuses had been heard. Jeongyeon gave out a final sigh of frustration at Mina’s hesitation before turning around and walking away.

She had half a mind to continue chasing Jeongyeon, but her supposedly indoor penguin slippers and matching penguin pajamas held her back. That, and if she didn’t start getting ready for work, she’d probably be late for her first appointment.

She’d let Jeongyeon cool off for now. That would probably be best for them both.

“I don’t need help.”

—

T – 10

“Mina,” The pastor called out, and Mina opened her eyes to a sea of white. It was a stark contrast to the pitch-black field of nothingness that the back of her eyelids offered. With heavy feet and a heavier heart, she made her way towards the voice.

It was as if the pastor had compelled her to do so, because if he didn’t, Mina was sure she wouldn’t be able to walk to where she was headed. Every step on the carpeted floor felt like a nail being hammered into her already bleeding heart. 

_So, this was loss._

At the tender age of fifteen, Mina had been pushed to the edge, to see death right in front of her face. Death, who was pure and full of love to give, with a future to save all dogs from the streets after watching a short documentary her Science teacher showed her way back in third grade. Death, who was in the form of the most precious human being Mina could have had the chance to know, death, who was now in a casket with the top half open so that those who wanted to see her for the last time could– Mina did not.

Mina could not.

She could not taint the image of her baby sister by looking at the caked-up version the embalmer worked on, merely finishing the work of a year-long battle that cancer won. She let go of the lone white carnation that made home of her palms for the last hour, and quickly held on to her mother’s waiting palm.

Mina could feel herself slipping, maybe to where Tzuyu was, but not quite, because her mother was trying to ground her where they were.

By the end of the service, when the last shovel of earth was placed back and a fresh mat of grass was laid over the rough dirt, people started leaving. Mina’s parents nodded and smiled at all those who offered their condolences, and Mina, at the end of the line, ignored every single one of them. Why should she nod and smile, when all she wanted to do was reject the departure of her sister? The adults didn’t mind her lack of etiquette, a lot of them offered her pats on the head, and maybe they had the intention of comfort. But with every pat, Mina could feel the soles of her feet dig deeper into the ground. Maybe if they’d give enough pats, she’d be six feet under as well, joining her sister. That was absurd, and Mina knew it.

What wasn’t absurd was hearing the cries of her mother in the kitchen as soon as they arrived home from the service. She ran to her mother, but her touches only made her mother cry harder. She figured that the best person to deal with her mother wasn’t her, but her father.

Mina went outside, looking for the man. She found him with his back against the front door of their car, his head up with eyes fixated on the moon, a cigarette stick dangling from his fingers. It was the first time she saw her father cry, and if Tzuyu’s death hammered nails to Mina’s heart, if her mother’s cries wrung her heart out until it could not have bled anymore, the sight of her father’s tears left her empty.

She felt the weakest she had ever been. All her support systems failing her.

Her father saw her, and instead of encircling her in a one-armed hug like he usually did, he offered her a cigarette.

—

T – 9

Mina didn’t know how it happened, but here she was, sandwiched between the most extroverted person in her year, the embodiment of sunlight and sparkles, the queen-bee if her school was superficial enough to have one; and the apple of everybody’s eye – really, teachers, boys, and girls doted on her because she was that lovable, with her smile and kindness that was actually genuine to everybody around.

Sana and Momo.

Mina didn’t know how she ended up sitting in between Sana and Momo during classes, during lunch breaks, and during weekends at the cafés Momo found about while surfing the internet for new places to eat at, but it was nice. The two weren’t anywhere near Tzuyu, but Sana’s laughter in her ears and Momo’s slaps against her arms were a nice anchor. It helped her from drifting too far off. Laughter and playful slaps were more pleasant anchors than what she had under her sleeves, and they didn’t make her wear sweaters during the summer.

It was during lunch time when the announcement blasted through their school’s speakers: a super typhoon was on its way, all parents and guardians have been notified, and classes were cancelled. Mina remembered not understanding why the voice behind the speakers sounded scared, because any reason for cancelled classes should be a celebration. They even got an extra scoop of ice cream from the canteen just because.

It took Mina less than a day to understand the fear in the announcer’s voice. Maybe if she were blind, she could have stayed ignorant, but her eyes were fully working, despite all the nights glued to her computer screen. It was a freak of a natural disaster, the typhoon coming in and raising the sea levels, drowning hundreds of people that were unfortunate to be out on the streets when the storm surge hit.

Burying her sister was one thing, witnessing a mass burial was another.

It was Momo. Kind Momo, who couldn’t hurt a fly even if she wanted to, who offered Mina her first hit.

“My uncle said it’s like your cigarette sticks, Mitang. Just suck it in and exhale after.”

It _was_ like smoking a cigarette, but the effect was leagues ahead. When Sana arrived an hour later, the room was hazy, filled with smoke that was a shade whiter than Mina’s usual cigarettes. She pieced two and two together; she hooked Mina and Momo by their shoulders, embracing them both.

They cried out their high. 

—

T – 7

“Condom on.” Mina shoved the boy that gave licks for kisses off her, crossing her legs until the unnamed boy finally managed to roll on the piece of latex on himself.

She was short on funds, and she knew from the grapevine that the boy from Class 3-D brought crystals with him whenever he showed up at parties. The boy kissed lousily, if Mina could even call it kissing, so surely, he’d get off in less than ten minutes. The sachet he brought with him could offer Mina a high that would last an entire night and maybe into the morning period if the stones were pure; and some shards extra for the next time, so it was pretty good deal. Not that the boy needed to know what she was thinking, He didn’t even know her name. Maybe. She hoped he didn’t.

It would be a nice break if Sana and Momo wouldn’t know about her latest escapade. They were both out on their respective dates, after much persuasion from Mina that _yes_ , they were allowed to have a social life that did not include her, and _no_ , Mina would not be offended if they spent the party sucking faces with their dates.

_Shit, shit, shit_. It was the only thing Mina’s muddled mind could think of, despite her extensive vocabulary courtesy of the hundreds of story-driven video games she had stowed away in her shelf.

 _Shit, shit, shit_ , because their school just announced a random drug testing for all the senior students. Sana would later tell her that somebody snitched on the last night’s party, stirring up concern in the teacher’s lounge and eventually to the principal’s office. The thought of the acid test and her inevitable positive result led to her first full-blown panic attack: air wasn’t getting into her lungs, her hands and feet were cold and clammy, and every muscle in her body was shaking.

 _Fuck_ , she was supposed to graduate alongside Hirai and Minatozaki, the three of them were supposed to be on stage for the special awards– Momo under dance, Sana under leadership, and Mina under academic excellence.

 _Fuck_ , _fuck, fuck_. They had under a month before the classes would officially end, and this screw-up happened. Her palms were hurting. She vaguely remembered that her French tips were long overdue for a cut, and maybe drops of blood were pooling under her nails from how hard she had them pressed against her palm.

She was feeling light-headed now, lighter than how she usually is when high, and maybe she needed to go back to breathing again.

She just didn’t know how.

When Mina came to, she was in the emergency room with Momo and Sana sharing the single Monobloc chair that the hospital offered to the visitors. Momo started crying, and Sana crawled up to the bed and hugged Mina like her life depended on it. Both were saying sorry, but it didn’t make sense, because none of it was their fault. 

—

“What shitstorm happened today?” Momo sat across her, waving away the smoke that Mina blew out seconds prior.

“Nothing happened.” Mina said, eyes busy on the faint wisp of smoke that was left in the air between them.

“You have a coffee stain on your shirt, and the only time you drink coffee is when you’re stressed.”

Mina sucked in another drag, taking her time before answering Momo. Maybe if she took long enough, Momo’s break would be over and she’d run back to the kitchen to cook up orders without having to know about the shitstorm that happened earlier.

“My shift’s over, so finish that damned stick and tell me what happened.” Momo said, rolling her eyes at Mina’s tactics. It was the right amount of petty and pout in Momo that made Mina laugh. Before she could stop herself, she was squishing the remaining third of the stick down on to the ashtray.

“I want cold noodles for dinner.” Mina started, and before Momo could butt in, “as cold as the cold shoulder Jeongyeon’s giving me today.” Momo’s mouth formed a perfect circle in surprise. It was too perfect, it looked too well-rehearsed, and Mina could sense the insincerity a mile away. “Don’t start, Momo. I forgot to clean up after a session last night and she found the paraphernalia on the coffee table. Even took the lamp with her on her way out.” Mina sunk into her chair just as Momo started laughing.

“What’s the joke? I wanna laugh too.” Sana popped up, dragging two chairs to their table. Mina raised an eyebrow in question, and Momo tried to stifle her laughter to give Sana an appropriate reply.

“Jeongyeon _finally_ left Mina.” 

“I thought she left Mina two weeks ago?”

It was a shared joke between the two of them, three, if they cared to include Mina, on how she was one mistake away from Jeongyeon leaving her for good. The walkouts were happening too frequent for Sana and Momo to be genuinely concerned, and Mina didn’t really have enough energy to dwell on it right now.

“Jihyo’s coming to join us for dinner.” Sana answered Mina’s unvoiced question, and at the sound of Jihyo’s name, Mina instantly perked up.

Sana had her fair share of flings and not-so-flings, but she never got around to introducing them to Momo and Mina. Although there were multiple occasions when either Momo or Mina would be acquainted with Sana’s flavor-of-the-month, the way Sana would brush it under the rug was a clear indication that she had no plans to get serious.

Jihyo was another matter entirely, and she made Sana happy– that alone was enough reason for Mina to like Jihyo. But also, Jihyo had a Play Station 4 that was open to Mina on nights she and Jeongyeon were fighting and she didn’t have any stones on her. Mina was Jihyo’s designated Player 2, and Sana was openly jealous about it, even though she would not, for the life of her, go anywhere near the controllers because she’s seen one too many lives being slaved by video games.

The insult wasn’t loss on Mina, but she’d brush it off, because she knew Sana was being dramatic to rile up Jihyo. It never worked, which made Mina like Jihyo even more.

“Wait, if Jeongyeon left you this morning, why are you here?”

“Momo’s paying for dinner, I like free dinner.”

“Wrong, you’re too rich to ditch your girlfriend-not-girlfriend for free dinner. Are you giving up on Jeongyeon?”

At Sana’s observation, Momo turned her eyes on Mina, and they both shifted their mood from joking about Mina’s sorry state of affairs to being genuinely concerned. Sana asked a good question.

_Why am I here?_

Jeongyeon was good to her, was good _for_ her. The cop was patient, never raising her voice, never resulting to violence when they fought. In her own way, Jeongyeon wanted the best for Mina, which to her interpretation was Mina locked away in some rehabilitation center for half a year. That was where they didn’t see eye to eye. And the more they fought over it, the more Mina felt that Jeongyeon was fighting to mold Mina into what she wanted her to be, because Jeongyeon always had a plan. A ten-year plan was already in the works, and if Mina wanted to be part of it, she needed to ‘step up and get her life together’.

“It’s fucked up.” Mina said, earning synchronized bobs of affirmation from her friends. “I’m doing okay.” It wasn’t a question. Mina’s tone didn’t leave any room for disagreement, but Sana and Momo knew better than to try to outright dissuade Mina from her line of thought.

A decade of friendship laced with methamphetamine and sprinkles of emergency room visits was enough for Sana and Momo to learn how to maneuver conversations with Mina.

(“Mina’s not okay, is she?”

“Hyo, Mina showing up to our dinners is more than okay.”)

The mood shifted when Jihyo arrived, Mina was all too happy to drop the subject of her failing relationship and Momo whipped them up the best cold noodle soup she could smuggle out from the restaurant’s kitchen.

The feeling of a cigarette between her lips already had a placebo effect on Mina’s nerves because the stick was still unlit but she felt calmer than she had a second ago. Dinner was a pleasant event, but as soon as she emptied her bowl, she excused herself for a smoke. While Momo smoked and Sana indulged occasionally, Jihyo didn’t, and Mina had enough decency to go the restaurant’s smoking area.

“Can I get a light?” A voice asked, and Mina nodded before she even saw the face.

When she looked up, a stick was in her line of vision, and _wow, she’s pretty_. A flick of the roller and a second-long flame was enough for the stick to get lit. The face behind the stick took the necessary drag to ensure the embers on the stick and puffed out the smoke right in front of Mina’s face.

“Rude.” Mina said, glaring at the pretty girl in front of her. The girl laughed instead of apologizing, showing two big teeth that were a millimeter larger than the span of her visible gums. Bunny teeth. This girl was a confident one.

“Want some advice?”

“No, actually.”

“Don’t chase after the girl who left you.”

_Who the fuck?_ Mina was irritated. Getting unsolicited advice from strangers who were supposedly asking for a light wasn’t part of her agenda for tonight. Sana and Momo breathing down her neck were enough, thank you very much. Oh, Jeongyeon too– couldn’t forget about the girlfriend-not-girlfriend. A cute stranger with bunny teeth wasn’t a necessary addition to the list of naggers in Mina’s life. She was about to tell the stranger to go off, but the stranger beat her to it.

“What’s your deal, anyway?” She made her way towards the brick wall where Mina leaning on and leaned back as well. She was close, but not enough for their shoulders to touch.

“Shouldn’t you have started with that before you gave off advice?” She _was_ supposed to tell her to get off but losing the girl in her field of vision calmed Mina somewhat. Now she felt she was just talking to her thoughts. Nothing new.

“I’m asking now, aren’t I?”

Mina scoffed, feeling no need to explain herself to the stranger. “Want some advice? A thank-you for a light is way better than giving off unsolicited advice.”

“But aren’t you giving unsolicited advice now? That’s kinda hypocritical.”

Mina laughed; the stranger was infuriating but she just wasn’t worth stressing over. “Whatever, man. Thanks for the laugh.”

After Momo footed the bill, Mina drove all of them back to Sana and Jihyo’s apartment for a nightcap, and an extensive Overcooked 2 session with Jihyo and Mina shouting orders and Momo shouting back that she couldn’t keep up with all the slicing and cooking the video game imposed. Sana was shouting as well, on how stupid the three looked fighting over 2-dimensional characters on the television. 

During a five-minute timeout by Jihyo because she needed to pee, Momo snuck the question of Mina’s inaction on her relationship– the day was almost over, and it was at this time Mina and Jeongyeon would have made up.

“Some bunny told me to stop chasing her.”

—


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> achi - big sister  
> shobe - little sister

_Get out_   
_Stand back_   
_If you don't let go, you're gonna break me_

_Get out_   
_Stand back_   
_If you don't let go, you're gonna break me_

\- Reckless Love, Bleachers

—

T – 7

“Sana?” Mina called out, coming down from her high. Next week would be the start of their final semester of high school, and the stress of ‘the next step’ – college or vocational courses, were piling up. The school’s Student Affairs Office were bombarding their emails with reminders and brochures on different options and guides on how to maneuver their future.

“Yes, honey?” Mina could feel Sana’s hand run through her hair, and Mina hummed in appreciation. Sana was scrolling through her phone with her free hand, probably reading one of the emails that went like ‘College Entrance Examinations Must Know’.

“Let’s go somewhere far.”

“Where do you wanna go?”

“Just… away from this place. Away from death.”

She could feel Sana’s nails raking her scalp. The nails didn’t hurt, but the look on Sana’s face did. Mina regretted her words, but before she could take it back, Sana gave a reassuring peck on her forehead.

“Let’s look for scholarships then.”

—

It was a quarter past midnight, and Mina was at a 24-hour small-scale grocery looking at different brands of ketchup. The Overcooked 2 shouting fest ended an hour ago, and Sana sobered her up with a cup of Earl Grey tea because Mina was adamant on going home.

She already crashed enough times on Sana and Jihyo’s spare bed, and she’d like to sleep on her own – yet quite uncomfortable – mattress if she could help it. She was supposed to go straight home from Sana’s, but then she passed the tacky neon sign of the grocery, and like a moth to a flame, she went in. A ten-minute detour wouldn’t hurt, her first appointment was scheduled at eleven in the morning anyway.

“If you like a tangy aftertaste, go with Heinz. Hunt’s, if you’re on the sweeter side.”

The familiarity of the voice threw Mina off. Her night was ending on a nice note, and this stranger was barging into her space, _again_.

“Do you always dish out advice to strangers?”

“If I’m right, yeah. Fancy meeting you here.”

Mina did a half turn, shifting her viewpoint from the array of ketchups to the obnoxious stranger. Her clothes were the same, but the laces of her shoes were untied, the dress shirt was now untucked, and wrinkles were there. Her makeup was watered down, and a fresh hickey was at the underside of her jaw.

“The pineapple juice should be in the cooler at the back, you know.” The girl had the audacity to looked appalled, as if she didn’t sport the after-sex fashion style that was common at this time of the night.

“I don’t indulge in _men_.” Mina coughed, more amused than anything else at the blatant disgust in the stranger’s tone. “Hey, did you know ketchup goes well with toasted bread?”

Mina ended up buying two bottles of different brands, because Nayeon – the stranger-not-stranger – suggested that they try out which went better with toast, and Nayeon bought a liter of pineapple juice to share between the two of them.

A truce in the form of a midnight snack at Nayeon’s studio apartment that was a block away from the grocery; and on what the truce was about, Mina wasn’t entirely sure. They didn’t get off on the wrong foot, well, not really because Mina had no intention of hitting it off with Nayeon in the first place. But the more Nayeon talked about tomatoes and bananas, the more Mina wanted her to shut up and the former would only shut up if they’d eat. So, they did.

Either Nayeon was stupid enough to trust that Mina wasn’t some sort of psychopath-slash-murderer or Mina was stupid enough to trust that Nayeon wasn’t. Maybe it was both.

When Mina recounted the events of the night to Sana and Momo, she received two flicks on her forehead. Apparently, her last hunch was a sentiment shared by her friends– both Nayeon and Mina were stupid.

“So, did you sleep with her?” Momo asked after settling back into Mina’s couch.

The flick of Momo and Sana’s fingers on her forehead stung, and it made Mina throw a pillow in retaliation. Two pillows for Momo because _no_ , Mina did not sleep with a stranger that just finished a booty call. Or maybe Nayeon was walking home from her lover, Mina wasn’t sure. They didn’t talk about it.

Their midnight snack went like this: Nayeon placed bread in the toaster and poured Mina a glass of pineapple juice; Mina spread ketchup on the toast. They sat down on Nayeon’s countertop because her apartment didn’t have a dining table, agreed that Heinz was the better ketchup on toast, and after downing the glass of pineapple juice, Mina called it a night and left.

Sana didn’t buy Mina’s story, and Mina didn’t insist because then the argument wouldn’t go anywhere. It was just that, and the only thing Mina got out of it was that _yeah_ , ketchup toast was totally appetizing. She should thank the mom downstairs for the idea. But then, thanking the mom would entail her introducing herself, and although she’s been a tenant in the apartment complex for two years, she never got around to meeting the neighbors. It didn’t seem important then, and it didn’t feel important now.

Never mind, maybe she’d leave a bottle of Heinz ketchup at her neighbor’s doorstep as a roundabout way of expressing her thanks. That sounded better. 

—

T – 3

It was the winter break of their final year in college, and the three of them flew back home to spend it with their families. Momo was hogged by her older sister for the entirety of the break and Sana was whisked off to another island to visit her grandparents, which left Mina with no one to spend her time with. Being alone wasn’t supposed to be a bother, she rather liked it when she was left to her own devices. It gave her uninterrupted gaming time, and it made leveling up easier. But that was applicable to their university dorms, because being back in the room she grew up with suffocated her more than her ex-girlfriend who had an asphyxiation kink.

She already finished all the write-ups she did on the side, the combination of rich and lazy was something Mina was thankful for. Those students financed her rather expensive… hobby. Mina felt for the small packet at the back of her pants. She double checked the time, she had roughly three hours before her parents would arrive from work.

Three hours were more than enough for a quick whiff, but Mina failed to account for her extremely nosy neighbor. Her mother arrived two hours earlier than her usual hour, all because Mrs. Noue called her up because she was _worried_ about Mina.

The crystals she smoked were dirty, making her puke her guts out, and all the retching was the cacophony that woke Mrs. Noue from her afternoon nap. It was another trip to the emergency room because Mina puked more than she drank for the past two days and her trembling in fear when she heard the keys switching the lock open on the front door was misinterpreted by her mother as Mina having chills.

Turns out, she _was_ having chills. Electrolyte imbalance, still from all the vomiting. The doctor admitted her for overnight monitoring because she was well below the normal weight range for her height, and her mother readily agreed to whatever the doctor was saying.

She couldn’t see it. The only source of light was from the in-suite bathroom and that door was closed. The scattered light from the door’s vent was just enough to help Mina see the silhouettes of her parents, but she heard it.

She heard her parents crying.

Her mother cried in rounds of sobs, while her father cried in deep exhales. No words were exchanged, not during the window when Mina was awake, anyway.

On the morning of her flight back, with Sana and Momo already waiting for her in the Departure Area, her parents used it as the time to talk to her. They were parked in the middle of the airport’s parking lot, and Mina found it fitting that their car’s hazard signal was turned on.

It was weird, because her dad had his eyes and hands on the steering wheel, the veins in his hands bulging out from the pressure of his grip; her mother was looking at her, but not really, because she was busy caressing the insides of Mina’s forearm, all the trails of fleeting nights evident in small lines. Both were saying sorry, but it didn’t make sense, because none of it was their fault. 

—

Mina never got around to reaching out to Jeongyeon, and in her mind, they were over. It was fine, Jeongyeon didn’t even need to go to her apartment to get her stuff because surprisingly, she didn’t have anything there in the first place. Well, except a toothbrush and bar of soap, all of which took Mina thirty seconds to grab and dump in the trash can.

It was always Mina who tailed around Jeongyeon like a kicked puppy every time they encountered a rough patch, and that was fair, it was always Mina’s fault anyway. Momo and Sana would disagree, but then again, they didn’t really know how Jeongyeon was aside from how Mina would recount snippets of their relationship to them.

They had a fight on that once, on how Jeongyeon never bothered to spend time with Momo and Sana. Jeongyeon reasoned out that she didn’t like intruding on their get-togethers because she felt exactly that– like she was an intruder in the bubble created by the trio.

Mina asked Jihyo that same question over a bucket of beer and Tekken 7, if Jihyo ever felt like she was an outsider when she hung-out with the three of them. Jihyo looked at her with a smirk on her face after she _K.O._ -ed Mina’s character on screen. It was a no, because Mina was fun to beat at Tekken and Momo was cooking a braised pork recipe that Jihyo had been craving. If there was any intruder in the bubble, according to Jihyo, it was Sana. That earned Jihyo a slap at the arm from her girlfriend, and a full-hearted laugh from Mina.

“I think she’s waiting for you to initiate contact.” Jihyo said, munching on the popcorn at her hand while peering over Momo’s shoulder. Momo was stalking Jeongyeon on social media because Mina off-handedly asked if any of them wanted the espresso machine in her apartment.

“Initiate contact? Babe, that’s it. You’re on a StarCraft II ban for the week. You’re talking like a twelve-year-old geek.” Sana was rolling her eyes at Jihyo, but the grip she had on Mina’s hand went tighter.

Sana, Mina noticed after three weeks into their friendship, had a habit of holding Mina whenever she felt Mina was in an uneasy situation. It was cute. Sana spoiled her too much.

Mina gave back a squeeze and a reassuring smile in Sana’s direction. It was _fine_. The thought of going down to the police station where Jeongyeon was stationed or driving uptown to where Jeongyeon lived was too tiring. It had been two weeks since the walkout, and this was the longest cool-off they had.

Mina went about her usual routine consisting of work and video games, with the occasional hangouts with her friends. Nothing felt off, except for the fact that she arrived an hour earlier at the apartment because she didn’t have to make the detour to fetch Jeongyeon, wherever the cop was at.

“She’s posting all these sad relationship quotes; I’m getting sad as well.” Momo whined, wiping away a tear that slipped out from the corner of her eye. “Did she block you? Because if she didn’t, then maybe she’s trying to send a message.”

Mina gave off a shrug, she wasn’t the type to check social media. She didn’t need to. Momo and Sana kind of made it their personal mission to update Mina on everything and everyone when they met up, and if the news was especially juicy, their small group chat would blast up. Jeongyeon should know that as well, so if she was doing a passive-aggressive way of getting Mina to contact her, it wasn’t going to work.

Relenting to Momo’s sad eyes, Mina let go of Sana’s hand and got out her phone.

A swipe here, a quick input of Jeongyeon’s name on the search bar, and Mina was greeted with a barrage of, as what Sana would call it, sad-white-girl-posts. It made Mina cringe; this was way off-character for Jeongyeon. The secondhand embarrassment Mina felt was enough for her to shoot Jeongyeon a message. Mina had to retract her words. It seemed that Jeongyeon’s passive-aggressive way worked. She must have had factored in Momo’s phone habits.

“'Hi.'? Really, Myoui Mina, you haven’t talked to the girl in two weeks and you send a ‘hi’?” Mina didn’t bother to justify Sana with a response. The lights of the cinema were dimming, and the trailers were about to start. She switched her phone to silent mode and placed it inside Momo’s bag.

They didn’t have contact for two weeks; what was another two hours?

Sana had a _very_ high bar to be tipped off before she showed any signs of anger. Real anger, because petty fights with any of them that resulted in Sana kissing their cheeks didn’t count. A degree in Psychology, a masters on its way, and two years of teaching kindergarteners only served to extend her patience. A way to jump over it and be on Sana’s target list involved only two choices: hurting Momo or hurting Mina.

Sana was livid, and by how hard Momo was clenching her jaw, Momo was as well. Dealing with an angry Sana was one thing, dealing with an angry Momo was another. There were things that just shouldn’t happen simultaneously, and this was a prime example.

—

T – 5

Operation Avoid Momo was now in its third week, and Mina would say it was pretty much a success. With the success indicator being only one thing: no interaction with Momo whatsoever. Not minding Momo’s sad eyes that followed her around campus and Sana’s relentless inquiry on what happened, everything was fine and dandy.

That also meant that she needed to ignore the fact that she was on a week-long high. It wasn’t physiologically sound, but this week was their finals period and she needed to power through all the backlogs and readings to actually answer her exams. The past seven days probably cost more than her entire semester’s worth of tuition– or what she would have had to pay if she didn’t snag the scholarship she had, and in the long run, a better half of her liver cells.

The important thing was she was out of Momo’s life.

She always had an inkling that she was weighing Momo down. Momo’s boyfriend only confirmed her suspicions. Maybe she was a thorn in Sana’s life as well, but unless somebody told her outright to cut off ties, she wouldn’t – she couldn't – because she was already drifting away, and Mina needed something to hold on to.

(“Mina, you’re a bad influence on _my_ Momo. If you truly care for her, please stay away from now own.”)

While Mina didn’t like the man entirely, he took Momo out on nice dates in his brand-new sedan, bought her flowers, texted Momo good mornings and good nights, and posted about Momo a _lot_. Mina once mentioned that what he was doing was the bare minimum, and Momo cried about how Mina was being mean. Momo’s tears were more than enough to make Mina shut up about it. That was months ago.

When Momo celebrated her first anniversary with her boyfriend, it coincided with Mina’s third trip to the emergency room. She _was_ getting down from a high, but the trip was because she got into a fight. The fight started after Mina overheard some perverts, who were watching Momo’s latest dance performance at a 0.25x playback speed, give off lewd comments.

Mina profusely apologized to Momo, who rushed to the emergency room in the dress Mina helped pick out the weekend prior. Both Sana and Momo were her listed emergency numbers, but Sana’s phone was filled with cracks and chipped off edges, and it finally gave up during their morning lecture earlier when Sana accidentally dropped it.

Mina remarked that Momo should have messaged Sana online and resume her date, because in the context of Momo’s romantic relationship streak, this was her first anniversary _ever_ , and she was very much smitten with Mr. Bare Minimum. Momo was having none of it, and anyway, she was already there in the hospital. Momo simply teased Mina that she would have to hold her hand while her face was getting stitched up, making Mina give a painful grin. It was when Momo left to pay the bill that her boyfriend laid down the harsh truth to Mina. (“Stay away.”)

So, like the obedient girl she was, she stayed away. It was eating her out, the past three weeks were hell. Momo had unknowingly woven herself into Mina’s life that Mina cutting her out of it was physically painful. She couldn’t concentrate on her studies, but that was all a done deal now.

Mina was walking out of her last exam for the semester, and she could feel the buzz starting to crash down. Mina was nervous – and this wasn’t the withdrawal talking, not yet – because this was her first downtime after a week-long high. Methamphetamine leaving her system meant the entry of dark thoughts and if she wasn’t in a good baseline state, the onset of panic attacks. The ulcer-inducing hunger was so trivial in effect that Mina didn’t really bother listing it in her head.

 _Fuck_.

Her knees were already buckling, and she was still ten minutes away from her dorm. Sana’s dorm was half the distance, but that meant having to face Sana after pointedly ignoring her questions for the entirety of Operation Avoid Momo. If she wasn’t going to have a panic attack, Mina had the tendency to talk excessively when getting off, and she was scared to tell Sana things that were best kept a secret.

 _Fuck_.

Mina could feel bile rise in her throat, but she couldn’t complain, not when she managed to finish the last exam before her body rebelled against her life decisions.

She was running to Sana’s dorm now, or that’s what she thought she was doing. She tripped on her undone laces, or maybe she tripped on air. Regardless, she was falling face first into the rocky pavement. A pair of hands caught her by the shoulders, and the whiff of baby cologne was hard to miss.

“Momo, no.” The bile was pulsating inside her body, and Mina felt that in the next wave, she’d have no choice but to let it out. Momo turned her around so that Mina was facing her, and the look of pure concern was clear on Momo’s face.

“Mina, what the fuck?” Momo’s voice was sharp, and it cut painfully into Mina’s mind. Mina made Momo mad, and Mina could only bow her head in guilt. Letting her head fall was the wrong course of action because a moment later, the bile was getting out. Momo’s white sneakers now had splashes of green, and that was another tick on Mina’s list of faults against Momo. She should really get going. (“Stay away.”)

Mina wiggled out of Momo’s hold and started running again to Sana’s dorm. She needed to get out of the public eye before she lost all inhibitions. Another pair of hands stopped her, and this time, it was Sana’s brown orbs holding her gaze. Mina started crying. She could feel Momo’s eyes on her, and it was suddenly all too much. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so fucking sorry.”

By some miracle, they reached Sana’s room before Mina's second round of vomit. Momo was flushed red, probably still in anger, and Sana looked _so_ tired already. Mina couldn’t imagine how she looked. Probably ten times more tired than Sana, plus a smudge of vomit here and there on her clothes. Disgusting.

“Mina, stop ignoring me and tell me what’s wrong.” Momo seethed out, standing right in front of Mina. From Mina’s hunched position on the couch, it seemed like Momo was towering over her. Mina was trembling.

The thoughts in Mina’s head were too loud, almost as if she were shouting them in real-time. Momo didn’t understand that what Mina was doing was for Momo’s own good. Mina was a fluke, an addict, and almost always got her and Sana in trouble. Mina didn’t deserve Momo’s friendship, and Mina could only repay Momo by staying away from her. The boyfriend said it so himself: stay away.

“That fucker said what?” Mina whipped her head to Sana’s direction. Sana was shouting, and this was the first time Mina ever saw Sana mad. “Momo, who the fuck does your boyfriend think he is?”

“He said what?” Momo fell on her knees, now looking up at Mina’s eyes, ignoring Sana’s question. Mina could see the gears clicking in Momo’s head. She could hear Momo mumbling how, now, it all made sense. The interrupted anniversary date, the emergency room consult, and Mina’s subsequent avoidance. “Mina–” Momo was crying now, and Mina felt shittier than how she was already feeling. Mina wiped Momo’s tears with haste, not wanting to see any tear trickle down Momo’s face. It hurt too much.

Mina felt Sana embrace her from behind, and by the warm feeling of wetness on Mina’s shoulder, Sana was crying as well. Mina was shouting again, all inhibitions down courtesy of her withdrawal. They shouldn’t waste tears on her, she did nothing good to their lives, and they’d be better without her. She was a bad influence. She cared about them. She should stay away, let them live their lives peacefully.

“Shut up, shut up, shut up!” Sana was shouting into Mina’s shoulder, and it worked. Sana brought up the memory of Mina sharing her bento box with her because Sana forgot her lunch money. Sana recounted how Mina marched right up to their homeroom teacher when he made indirect remarks against Sana’s then freshly outed sexuality.

Sana talked about a hundred more memories, painting Mina as a superhero in her eyes and in Momo’s. Mina didn’t know what to believe in anymore but instead of shouting, she was choking on her sobs. It was a combination of Sana’s voice and Momo snuggling against her– making up for the three weeks of distance between them, and maybe for more things than Mina could think of, that made Mina calm down. 

Momo broke up with him through a text message right after she was sure Mina was sleeping.

Sana trashed his car the next day.

(“Mitang, between the both of us, _I_ was the bad influence. If you want to cut me off, you can– but only if that would be your own decision. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”)

—

It took the combined efforts of Jihyo and Mina to prevent Sana and Momo from making any rash decisions. Momo was the first one to read the nine messages Jeongyeon sent to Mina over the past two hours, Sana was the second one to read it, and Mina the whooping fourth. Unsurprisingly– well, for Momo, Jeongyeon replied a minute after Mina texted. She demanded that they meet immediately, and by the fifteen-minute mark, she was sending a colorful variety of expletives on how Mina was, _again_ , being a disappointment.

It wasn’t anything new to Mina, but what ticked her best friends off was the last message:

Yoo Jeongyeon | 6:30 PM

Go kill yourself.

Jeongyeon probably didn’t mean it. Mina _knew_ Jeongyeon didn’t mean it. Jeongyeon was kind, Jeongyeon was patient, Jeongyeon never hit her no matter how angry she was. Jeongyeon was hurt, Mina had hurt her. Maybe she was drunk right now, she was always a lightweight when it came to alcohol.

Mina knew her ex-girlfriend didn’t mean the three-worded message, but it didn’t lessen the hurt the words held.

The familiar cold surface of her apartment’s flooring woke Mina up. There was a massive ache from all corners of her skull, her throat was parched, her stomach was growling in hunger, and her legs and arms felt like jelly. The sachet on the coffee table was empty, her couch was overturned, and the bed had stains of different colors– the identities of which Mina didn’t really want to know.

When Mina’s phone finally had enough juice to turn on, it was then when Mina realized that it had been three days since she parted from her friends at the cinema, three days from Jeongyeon’s texts.

—

T – 15

“Achi, wake up.” Tzuyu was gripping Mina by her shoulders, shaking her older sister awake. “Achi, come on. You promised me!” Tzuyu’s whining was high-pitched, just like how any seven, no, eight-year-old would sound like. It pained Mina’s ears, but it did its job of waking Mina up.

“Shobe, let achi sleep for a few more minutes.” Mina grumbled, chasing the sleep was escaping her by the second. She shifted her body to the direction of her intruder, and trapped Tzuyu in an embrace. “Five minutes.”

Tzuyu was huffing in Mina’s arms, the hot air from her nose blowing against Mina’s hands. “Did you play Pokémon last night?”

 _I played Pokémon until sunrise, actually._ Mina snuggled closer against her sister, nodding in response. “I finally got Raikou. Get the cable at the bottom drawer so I can trade it to you. Happy birthday, Tzuyu.” 

Tzuyu squealed, and although the pitch still hurt Mina’s ears, Mina found herself smiling. She promised to help Tzuyu in getting the electric beast, after she saw how Tzuyu was wallowing in frustration on how she couldn’t get the evasive legendary Pokémon. When they went to school the next Monday, Mina could hear her sister bragging to her classmates down the hall on how her sister gave her the best birthday present _ever_.

—

Two merchandisers were talking over each other, both trying their best to grab Mina’s attention. The stains on her mattress had no intentions of leaving, despite the volume of bleach and amount of scrubbing Mina invested in earlier. Scrubbing too harshly was a bad idea, and it only served to split the threads covering her mattress. It left Mina with a stained old foam that was opening at the middle. She needed to buy a new mattress _today_.

“ – backache.” That was the only word that got Mina’s attention, and she gave an apologetic smile to the other guy. She let herself be ushered to the brand’s selection of foams, and for some composite material to be slept on, there was a shocking number of models and sizes to choose from. After listening to an hour worth of the pros and cons of the different kinds of material, she ended up buying premium model. The price was a couple of dinners shy from amounting to a whole month’s worth of salary, but if it made Mina sleep better, then it should be worth it.

“Did you bring your car? Or do you want this delivered to your apartment?” The promo guy asked Mina, full smile on display. Mina hoped he got a good commission on this sale; he did talk incessantly for an hour.

The car in question was currently being cleaned and waxed at the wash nearby Mina’s apartment after Mina saw dicks drawn on the windows off the dust that coated it. Before Mina could say yes to the delivery option, she heard Jihyo’s loud voice calling out to her. She excused herself for a moment from the foam guy and made her way to where the voice was at.

Jihyo gave nice hugs. Not as tight as Sana’s nor was it as warm as Momo’s, but they were nice. Mina prided herself in knowing how to read people, and Jihyo’s eyes were one of the most expressive ones she saw. The questioning looks in Jihyo’s eyes couldn’t have been any louder.

“I’m okay, Ji. Just bought a mattress because the old one gave me backaches.” Mina gestured to the big block of white at the cashier. The over-eager merchandiser misinterpreted Mina’s gesture as a signal to bring over the mattress, making Mina give off an uneasy laugh. Her arms still felt like jelly, no way could she bring the mattress by herself home.

“Okay so, having six pillows is acceptable, right? Two for the head, two for the arms, two for the–” the voice was familiar, but Mina couldn’t pinpoint who exactly. _A coworker? A neighbor?_ “legs? Jihyo did you buy me a bed? I already have one, you idiot, oh hi, Mina!” A head appeared behind the mattress, carrying a pillow under each of her arms, and two pillows in a paper bag, one paper bag for each hand.

It was Nayeon, the stranger-not-stranger, the ketchup girl. No wonder she sounded familiar. Mina laughed at Nayeon’s fluffy state. “Hi, Nayeon.”

It took Jihyo a moment to process things, her brain had a hard time linking Mina– her girlfriend’s other third, ultimate introvert, a foreigner who didn’t like to talk to people unless she was paid by the hour to do so; to Nayeon– her very own childhood friend, someone who just moved into the city after being offered a paramedic position at the regional hospital. On how the two got acquainted with one another was beyond Jihyo, and Nayeon was the first one to note the confusion evident in Jihyo’s face.

“You remember the pineapple juice girl I told you about when I moved in?” Nayeon asked, making Mina snort.

“Pineapple juice, really?”

“You were implying that I slept with men! I was insulted!” To further emphasize her point, Nayeon hit Mina with the pillows she was holding. It was the wrong move to do, it made Nayeon lose balance and fall butt-first onto the floor. The snorts from Mina evolved to full-out laughter.

Unfazed by Nayeon’s brash behavior, Jihyo turned to Mina. “So, if the pineapple juice story is true, then, Nayeon’s your … toasted bread girl? You two weren’t lying?”

The synchronized way on how Nayeon and Mina rolled their eyes was the final push for Jihyo to speed dial Sana’s number: “Babe, you won’t believe what just happened.”

—


	3. Chapter 3

_When I fall asleep I can see your face_   
_What I lost in you I will not replace_   
_And I could run away, I could let them down_   
_And I know you're gone but still_   
_I will remember your light_

\- Like a River Runs, Bleachers

—

“Are your friends always this weird?” Nayeon asked Mina, blushing under the scrutinizing stares of Momo and Sana.

Sana, and by extension Momo, insisted to meet Nayeon as soon as possible. Sana just finished her classes, and Momo still had to take her break time. Mina rejected the idea outright – she was carless and still had a queen-sized mattress to bring back to her apartment. Jihyo volunteered Nayeon to bring back the mattress to Mina’s apartment. Nayeon agreed to the whole thing because Momo screamed from the three-way call that she’d feed Mina’s ketchup toast girl if she were real.

So here they were, sitting at a corner booth of the restaurant Momo worked in, with her two friends staring Nayeon down. Jihyo seemed to enjoy her childhood friend’s discomfort, from the wide smile she was sporting.

“So, _Na-yeon_. Did you sleep with Mina?” Nayeon whipped her head to look at Mina, probably about to ask her what exactly she told her friends. Mina was too flustered to mind the girl. Momo’s bluntness was something she always found endearing to a fault but this time, she wished Momo could have just believed her.

Nayeon was quicker to recover, and from her peripheral vision, Mina could see Nayeon smirking. It looked like trouble.

“I mean, I’m not blind.” Nayeon started, and Mina was still silent, busy fanning herself to bring the blush down a notch. Nayeon gave Mina a once-over, and her fanning intensified.

Nayeon was now looking at Sana and Momo, who were across the table. “I’ll leave it to your imagination.”

“Ha! I was right!” Momo’s clapping brought Mina out of her flustered state. She regained control over her body, and the first thing she did was slap Nayeon’s arm. Multiple times, because Momo was still laughing. Jihyo was laughing as well, but mostly because Nayeon was whining on how Mina’s slaps hurt.

Sana was looking at Mina with a fond expression. It was different from her usual stare, this one felt more charged. Sana’s cheeks were puffing out from how hard she was smiling. Mina had to pry away Nayeon’s hands – which were holding hers, in an attempt to stop Mina’s onslaught of slaps – so she could turn to face Sana. She shot Sana a questioning look. Sana’s eyes darted to Nayeon. “I like you, Nayeon.”

“Thanks, I like me too.” Mina’s initial impression was right, Nayeon was a confident one.

“Well, I don’t like you.” Nayeon glared at Mina.

“Take that back or I won’t drive you and your foam back to your apartment.” Mina rolled her eyes. Nayeon’s threat had a simple solution.

“I can call a cab.”

The cab was never called. Nayeon cleared it up with Momo and Sana over a smoke break that no, she and Mina didn’t sleep together. It was just as what Mina said: a midnight snack, and nothing more. It wouldn’t be anything more as well, because Nayeon had a pinky promise to keep to Jihyo.

Jihyo’s friends were off limits.

—

T – 11

The strong smell of chlorine and ethyl alcohol invaded Mina’s senses. She got that treatment rooms were supposed to be clean, but a scent other than burning bacteria would be a pleasant change. Maybe she could write a letter to Miss Nurse at the station. Mina’s English teacher always said she wrote good letters.

“Achi, you’re here!” Tzuyu beamed at her from the end of the room, her bed being the one nearest to the window. It was a favor from Miss Nurse, after Mina asked the lady in-charge if her little sister could get the bed with the nicest view.

Tzuyu’s chemotherapy sessions were frequent, and the sisters were familiar faces in the treatment center. When Mina’s parents knew what Mina had asked for, they apologized to the station. The nurses waved it off saying that it was the least they could do.

Mina gave a kiss to her mother, who was seated beside Tzuyu and proceeded to sit on Tzuyu’s bed. She took out their Nintendo DS that was fully charged and booted up Dogz, a game that Tzuyu liked to play over and over. Mina played while Tzuyu watched because Tzuyu’s arms were too weak from the medicine to hold the console.

“Shobe, since achi’s here, I’ll go out and buy dinner. Is that okay?” Mina could feel Tzuyu nod against her shoulder, and Mina found herself mimicking Tzuyu’s nod.

Mina paused the game, grinning up to her mother. “I’ll take care of shobe, Mama. That’s a promise.”

—

T – 10

Mina didn’t know what to do. One moment they were cuddled together, laughing at Mojo Jojo’s stupidity in a rerun of Powerpuff Girls on cable; and in the next, Tzuyu went totally silent. When Mina opened her eyes, Tzuyu was already covering the lower half of her face with the blanket, and streaks of blood were where her mouth was.

Mina turned the television off to focus on her sister.

It had been some weeks after Tzuyu’s last treatment session. The nice doctor said Tzuyu didn’t need to go for another round. Tzuyu just needed to return for a follow-up by the end of Mina’s summer break. If all went well, Tzuyu could go back to school. Summer break was going to end in a week, and they already had an appointment to the nice doctor tomorrow.

“Everything’s going to be okay, shobe.” Mina was trying to soothe Tzuyu, who was now crying. A coughing fit brought another big stain of red to their blanket. Mina was blinking her tears away. It wasn’t time for her to cry. Her sister was already crying enough for them both. “It’s gonna be alright. We’re going to the doctor tomorrow. You’re gonna ace the laboratory exams and you’re gonna go back to school.”

Mina disentangled her limbs from Tzuyu. She stood up on wobbly knees and grabbed the telephone at the corner of the living room.

“Achi, don’t leave me.” Tzuyu’s voice was thick with fear. Her face was getting paler by the second, and the stain on the sheets got bigger as the stain trickled down.

Mina shook her head. She needed to call somebody. What was the number of her father’s office? Her mother’s office? They posted it somewhere inside the house. Mina tried her parent’s bedroom. It wasn’t there. She dashed to her bedroom, and then to Tzuyu’s. The numbers weren’t there either. She could imagine it clearly in her head: an index card filled with all the numbers that Mina and Tzuyu needed to know. It even had the number of the pizza parlor from downtown.

“Achi, it’s not stopping.” Tzuyu’s voice was soft, softer than how she’d speak after her chemo sessions, but the silence of their house managed to carry Tzuyu’s words to her.

It was bad, and Mina _still_ couldn’t find the phone numbers. Her hands were already aching from how hard she was gripping the wireless telephone.

The kitchen! Mina ran down to the kitchen, stubbing her toe against a corner when she made a turn that was too sharp. Her hands were shaking as she dialed her the number to her father’s office. By the time Mina got back to the couch, the blanket was soaked and sticky, and her sister had already fainted.

—

“What happened here?” Nayeon let out a low whistle, and Mina silently cursed her propensity to put-off things to a later time. Her apartment was still a mess, the couch was still overturned. The only thing Mina managed to do before she left earlier was to get the mattress out.

“Stuff. I’ll clean it after we put the mattress on the bed frame.”

“If you’ll buy me some Chinese takeout, I’ll help you clean up.”

“Are you one of the weirdos who like cleaning?”

Nayeon laughed, making the other end of the foam that they were carrying wobble. Nayeon didn’t like cleaning. She didn’t even know how to operate Mina’s vacuum cleaner. What Nayeon knew was how to talk over the vacuum cleaner’s loud noise, how to ignore the paraphernalia on Mina’s coffee table, and how to make a decaffeinated latte that went nicely with Mina’s menthol cigarettes.

The reason why Mina steered away from coffee was that it gave her palpitations. It reminded her of the feeling after a high, and Mina liked to veer off from that as much as possible. It was associated with too many bad things. She never imagined that she would finish a mug full of decaffeinated coffee with … what was Nayeon, exactly? An acquaintance? A friend of a friend? _Her_ friend?

“It’s decaffeinated, not coffee-free. So yeah, it still has caffeine in it.” Nayeon explained, playing with the smoke that was coming out from her mouth. “Not that it’ll change anything. You’re bound to lose sleep with the way you’re overthinking things.”

Mina raised an eyebrow in question at Nayeon. Nayeon gave her a shrug in response. It seemed like the view of the pool was more interesting than holding the conversation. Mina couldn’t agree more. The night breeze was therapeutic, although not entirely clean. She could feel her skin itch, she needed to shower before going to bed. Dust was everywhere but it was worth it because the inside of her apartment was clean, save for the Chinese takeout in the trash bag waiting to be thrown in the dumpster.

“Thanks for today, Nayeon.” She finally said it, after a ten-minute debate with herself. It wasn’t like Mina didn’t have any manners. Her parents raised her to be polite and she knew when things were due. She just didn’t like the way Nayeon would react to things. She didn’t like the way Nayeon reacted to _her_.

It was as if Nayeon didn’t mind. Like it was expected of her to do all these things– from bringing her friends to their apartments, to bringing Mina’s foam up the stairs to her bed, to helping Mina clean up the apartment, and ultimately, to brewing coffee because Mina remarked that it was cold, and it would’ve been nice to drink something warm.

Nayeon shrugged. There it was again, the nonchalant way Nayeon did things. Mina let out a huff, feeling silly about the whole internal debate inside her mind. The night air was getting chilly. She grabbed the two mugs on the balcony’s edge and made her way inside.

“Thanks for the food.” Nayeon said, following Mina inside. She grabbed the trash bag and started tying it close. “Want me to take the trash out with me? I should get going.”

Mina nodded, grateful for the offer. She didn’t want to go out of the apartment anymore. The day was tiring, and she needed her shut-eye soon.

“Drive safe.”

She could hear Nayeon move around her living room, the trash bag in her hand. The front door creaked open, and right before it was shut, a faint ‘you too’ reached her ears.

Mina had to stop washing the mugs as Nayeon’s words registered in her mind. It didn’t make sense, and maybe Nayeon was just like that. Somebody who just didn’t make sense.

That night, Mina dreamed. She dreamed of a family of four, of two siblings running around the shoreline while the parents were busy with grilling the fish they would be having for lunch. She dreamt of swimming in the cool waters, which were a nice contrast to the warm summer heat that was shining on their backs. She found herself smiling at how Tzuyu’s eyes went big when she surfaced with a pretty stone in hand.

The scene shifted, and she was in her high school uniform with a packet containing pretty crystal-clear stones in hand. In the dream, Tzuyu was ignoring her, hands crossed at her front. It didn’t make sense, because Tzuyu was standing at the doorway in her pink hospital gown that Mina grew to hate. Tubings were inserted in each of her hand, blotches of red, purple, and yellow at spanning her otherwise unblemished skin. Before Mina could say something, anything, to the image of her sister, the dream ended.

She woke up with a shout stuck in her throat. Mina found it hard to breathe. She wasn’t entirely sure if she was still dreaming. The dream felt real. Maybe the past years were all in her mind; maybe she _was_ a high school student, and her baby sister was alive, despite all the tubes attached to her.

A quick glance around her surroundings and her hopes were shattered. She was in the same apartment that she lived in for the past two years, and her lease assured her that she was going to stay here for another three more. She was lying on her new bed, the sheets not quite fitting the edges because Nayeon didn’t know how to fit it, and Mina’s arms still lacked strength to do it by herself.

On her bedside drawer was a framed picture of her, Sana, and Momo. It was taken during their college graduation, medals and flowers hanging from their necks. At the peak of her disorientation, Mina wondered if she was willing to trade the memories of her friends for the opportunity to have more memories with Tzuyu.

She reached for the cigarette box beside the frame. As she moved around, she could feel the sweat sticking to her skin. No wonder the swimming felt real, she was drenched. The morning air was hot and humid. Maybe Mina had a fever. She made a note to check her temperature once she finished her morning smoke.

It was Mina’s first dream of Tzuyu in years. During high school, she dreamt during weekends and during breaks from school. She dreamt on nights when she didn’t have a lot going on in her mind. She dreamt of her sister, smiles and hugs and all the good things.

The dreams changed during college. On nights she did, her sleep was fragmented. She’d always wake up in between shifts of landscapes, of plots. She dreamt of her sister, tears and blood and hospital rooms and all the bad things. It didn’t do her grades well, and she found ways on how to avoid dreaming all together.

Studying until she fell asleep on her desk worked. Passing out drunk worked. Getting high worked. Slaving away on her latest video game until her eyes were red and her temples were throbbing worked as well. There were a lot of choices to avoid dreaming. Mina cycled through them.

Unarguably, the best one was having Sana and Momo share her bed. Sleeping with Momo snuggling against her side and Sana draping her legs all over their bodies ensured good sleep. It didn’t matter how long they slept either– sometimes it was an hour, just a nap in the middle of their shared breaks, sometimes it stretched to ten hours, from a Friday night sleepover to a Saturday brunch date. It was a mini reset button on Mina’s body, on Mina’s mind.

Mina let her mind wander again, on who was more important to her: Tzuyu or Sana and Momo? She wasn’t sure. All that remained from the cigarette was the short filter. The question was stupid. 

—

T – 2 ½ 

“Mitang, I think Sana’s in love.” Momo had her head on Mina’s lap, and while Mina had no idea what Momo was talking about, she gave a nod in agreement. “You’re not listening to me.” Mina nodded again, a grin making its way to her face.

When she finally landed the finishing combo on the game’s final boss, she shifted her attention to the pouting face on her lap. “Okay, I’m listening now. What is it, Momoring?”

All too happy to get the gamer’s attention, Momo launched into her theory on how their friend had been acting weird. The theory started out with observations on their nightlife, or the recent lack of. Sana was always the one to bring the two out to night clubs. Clubs were Sana’s way to destress, the thrill of flirting in the dark was always enticing to her. Momo liked clubs because she liked dancing. Mina went to it mostly to get drunk, but also to keep an eye out on her friends.

First point: Sana no longer went clubbing. They recently graduated college, all of them a mere few months into their first jobs. Mina argued that maybe teaching five-year-olds with snot on their faces was bound to tire Sana. That teaching kids drained her energy to the point that she couldn’t go clubbing anymore.

Both Momo and Mina laughed at Mina’s statement. Sana’s energy was an endless reserve. Maybe Momo was on to something.

Second point: Sana toned down on flirting. _Really_ toned down. Flirting was a part of Sana’s personality. It just was. She flirted with Mina’s car dealer, and Mina got her car at a lesser up-front payment scheme as a result. She flirts with the Starbucks cashier, and Momo would get to eat the extra bagel that was tossed into their paper bag. She flirts at the traffic guy so she could brisk-walk her way across the street, even though the automated stoplight was already signaling for her side to stop walking. She flirts with Momo in public to get rid of men hovering around them. She flirts with Mina in private to get a reaction out of the girl.

During their last Starbucks run, Momo had to pay for the bagel. Sana clocked in late at the school’s bundy clock because the traffic man let the cars run a minute longer than usual. And while she still flirts with Momo in public and with Mina in private, Mina had to agree– it wasn’t the same.

Third point: Sana was busy with her phone. The time and effort she’d exert to annoy Momo and Mina was redirected to her phone. Mina looked at the subject of their conversation. Sana was at the armchair beside the couch, proving Momo right. Sana’s eyes were glued to her phone. Sana was smiling, and a faint blush was dusting her cheeks.

Okay, something _was_ up. And while Mina wouldn’t go as far as Sana being _in_ love, she welcomed the idea of Sana finally being committed to somebody. They made a bet, Momo and her. Momo bet that Sana would fess up by the end of the week. Mina looked at Sana again. The blush on her cheeks were a deeper shade of red now, overpowering the cheek tint Sana had on. Mina bet that they’d get to know the girl in two days.

They met the girl the next day. They went to Sana’s school to pick the teacher up because Mina scored them tickets to Black Panther’s premiere showing. They expected Sana to be at the school’s entrance gate waiting but what greeted them was the sight of Sana nodding and smiling at a girl with wide eyes and a wider smile. Sana wasn’t even flirting. She looked like a middle-schooler who was talking to the campus crush. It was too cute, even for Momo, who now owed Mina a 1,000-piece puzzle set. 

They were formally introduced to Jihyo a month later. Sana was nervous because this was a first for her. It’d be the first time she voluntarily introduced somebody to her two friends. Mina and Momo were just happy with the fact that Sana brought somebody for them to meet.

(“Sana, why Jihyo?”

“Have you seen Jihyo?”)

—

T – 1

“Mina, why Jeongyeon?”

“Have you seen Jeongyeon?”

The familiar words thrown back to her was enough for Sana to give an irritated look. Mina introduced Jeongyeon to her friends over a Sunday brunch. The conversation between her new girlfriend and her friends was pleasant. They talked about crime rates, teaching styles, and what ingredients were needed to make the perfect hash brown.

 _Okay_ , the conversation was beyond boring but Jeongyeon was trying her best and Mina appreciated it. Momo rated it an A for effort and Sana just laughed. Sana was more interested on why Mina decided to hit it off with Jeongyeon, but Mina wasn’t giving her a direct answer.

Mina didn’t have a direct answer. The dates were okay. The blonde played video games as well. She liked the same movies Mina did. Sex was nice. Jeongyeon asked Mina to be her girlfriend, and Mina said yes. It wasn’t a fairytale plot, nor was it rocket science. It just happened. 

—

“That’s not gonna happen, Nayeon.” Mina pinched the bridge of her nose in irritation. It seemed like Nayeon had a habit of appearing at the most random places. The smoking area where they first met, the 24-hour grocery, the home depot, and now, the bar where Mina was at.

Mina originally went in for a quick deal with her regular supplier but decided to stay for a few drinks. She didn’t expect for Nayeon to appear across her, lips colored in blood red as if hinting to the devilish plans she had for the night.

“Come on, Mina. Be a dear and be my wing woman.” Nayeon was looking for a quick lay, someone to help her get her excess energy off. Apparently, being a paramedic gave a rush that lasted well after the standard twenty-four-hour shift. Well, that was what Mina got from Nayeon’s rambling.

“If you’ve been up for the past twenty-four hours, shouldn’t you go to sleep like a normal person? Why are you _here_?” Mina took a long drink from her bottle, the ice-cold beer cooling down her head. Nayeon’s request was giving her a headache.

Nayeon was acting like Sana during her pre-Jihyo era, but at least Sana didn’t require Mina’s active participation. Nayeon, on the other hand, wanted Mina to go _with_ her. Hopping from table to table to chat up ladies in pretty dresses and pants sounded exhausting.

Nayeon wasn’t taking no for an answer. She did a combination of puppy dog eyes, a pout, and a five-minute speech on how Mina would benefit from being Nayeon’s right arm. Mina wasn’t paying attention. She was busy calculating how much force she needed to exert in throwing the lone peanut in her hand for it to land directly in Nayeon’s open mouth. 

Mina sucked at math, but her aim was good. The peanut bounced off Nayeon’s teeth. The nut didn’t land inside her mouth, but it achieved its purpose to make Nayeon shut up. Mina was laughing behind her bottle. Not to be outdone, Nayeon balled up the tissue from her beer and threw it at Mina. Her aim was a whole foot off, making Mina laugh harder.

“Mina.” The voice drew Mina out of her laughter immediately.

_Of course, she’d be here._

Whatever energy Mina had in her vanished. The bottled-up memories of Jeongyeon flashed through Mina’s mind. Their fallouts, their make-ups. Mina chasing Jeongyeon every single time. The disappointment in Jeongyeon’s eyes. The brochures of fancy centers that boasted a 100% success rate. The good days in between bad weeks. The night Jeongyeon asked her if she’d be willing to go steady. Their night at the bar, at _this_ bar where Jeongyeon poured out her soul in talking to Mina.

Jeongyeon’s last text message.

“Hi. I’m Nayeon.” Mina had never been so thankful to hear Nayeon’s voice. The paramedic was standing in between Mina’s seat and where Jeongyeon stood. Mina gripped Naeyon’s dress shirt, wrinkling the freshly ironed piece of clothing in her fist.

“I’m not talking to you. Step out of the way, please.” Jeongyeon was always nice. Manners and all. Mina could feel Nayeon tense up, the muscles of her back contracting as she straightened her stand. “Mina, please.”

Mina let out a deep exhale. She released Nayeon’s shirt from her grip and gave the girl in front of her a slight push. It wasn’t strong enough for Nayeon to sway forward but it was enough to signal to Nayeon that Mina was willing to let Jeongyeon talk to her.

Nayeon stepped out, excusing herself under the pretense of going to the bathroom. Mina didn’t know if it was true or not. Jeongyeon was already talking the moment Nayeon took a step aside.

The cop was apologizing. Mina didn’t need to hear it. She let her apologize anyway. Mina figured the apology was more for Jeongyeon than it was for her. That maybe Jeongyeon needed to let everything off her chest so she could sleep better at night. Mina wasn’t cruel to deny that.

Mina said it to her friends a month ago, and Mina said it again.

“It’s fine.”

Jeongyeon looked like she had more to say, but Mina cut her off with a smile. Mina endured the apology. She didn’t want to hear anything else. They were done. The game of push and pull was something she just wasn’t up to do anymore.

Jeongyeon wanted to get back together, that much she whispered to Mina.

Mina couldn’t live with only two friends in the world, she needed Jeongyeon– _that_ was shouted across the room because Mina was already walking out.

“Mina, Mina, Mina! Yah!” Mina was already fumbling with the sachet she bought earlier. Her hands were itching to rip the seal off. Nayeon’s voice took her out of her trance. Nayeon was panting when she stepped in front of Mina. She had her hands on her knees as she took in deep breaths.

“I wanna go home, Nayeon.” No way had Mina any energy to help out Nayeon’s woman-hunt tonight. Maybe some other time, but definitely not tonight.

“Where’s your car?”

Mina found herself explaining to Nayeon that she didn’t have her car with her because Momo borrowed it for a three-day seminar two cities away. She normally wouldn’t have had bothered wasting time in talking, especially now that there was an itch to get away from reality, but Nayeon stepped in earlier and Mina felt indebted to the girl.

A vacant cab arrived, and Mina was quick to jump in. Nayeon held the door by the window’s edge, preventing Mina from shutting it completely.

“She was wrong. You have four.”

“Four? Four what?”

“Friends. Momo, Sana, Jihyo, and me.” Nayeon gave a smile, before she closed the door to Mina’s cab. 

—


	4. Chapter 4

_And I know that they have hurt you_   
_And I know the love you gave feels cheap and used_   
_And I know it's getting harder_   
_And I know the lights have all gone dark on you_   
_Still I will love your shadow_

\- Shadow, Bleachers

—

Mina’s armchair was soft. She could feel her body sink into the cushioned seat, a clear sign that she had been sitting on it for far too long. The off-white colors of the room were pleasing to the eyes, unlike the person lying down on the couch across her. Her patient was dressed in a plaid onesie that was dyed in neon colors– the kind that parents make their toddlers wear because they thought it was cute.

Her patient, by conventional standards, didn’t look cute in it. Eccentric onesies weren’t made for seventeen-year-olds. It didn’t matter, he felt comfortable in it. Now, only if he felt comfortable enough to start talking. The clock was ticking but Mina didn’t pressure him to say anything. He was one of Mina’s favorites for a reason.

He was twiddling his hands and he had his feet propped on the couch’s armrest. At least he took off his shoes. Mina glanced at the time. It was now thirty-three minutes of silence, and Mina was almost sorry for the kid’s parents who paid for the counselling sessions by the hour. Almost.

The kid gave off a deep sigh and shifted his body so that he faced Mina. He tucked an arm under his head and brought his legs close to his chest. If Mina didn’t know him, she’d think that he was going to sleep, but this was already his fifth visit. His behavior was consistent. It was time to listen.

“You know when you wake up and right before you’re actually awake? When there’s, like, that split second when you’re not, like, bombarded by the weight of everything? You know what I mean?”

Mina gave a small nod, urging him to continue.

“It’s, like, right as you wake up. It’s like everything is beautiful and then, ” the teenager brought his hands together, holding an imaginary bomb. It took a second before the imaginary bomb exploded in his hands. “Phew. And you remember, you remember specific things. Like this is due; this person is mad at me. All these things. You also remember those deep, guttural, weighty things.”

He shifted on the couch, his eyes now staring at the tiled ceiling.

“But there’s that moment right before it.” The kid gave off a small smile, the first one for today’s session.

—

T – 7

The seemingly endless pings from her phone woke Mina up. It felt like it had only been five minutes since she retired from playing on her laptop. She reached for her phone, figuring out where the source of the noise was with closed eyes. It was on her stomach; and on how her cellphone ended up there, she didn’t bother to figure out. Momo always teased her that she was a restless sleeper.

The clock told her it was a quarter past seven in the morning which meant it was an hour since she stopped playing. It also meant that it was way too early to be up. Previews of texts on the lock screen were a combination of Sana and Momo.

It was mostly Sana, with only one text from Momo. Momo’s was the first, containing an apology. Sana’s messages then succeeded, all telling her to wake up and get ready, and that they’d see each other by lunch time.

She could imagine it in her head: Sana barging in Momo’s house, waking up the girl and her entire family. Mina imagined the pillow fight that surely happened because Momo was never a morning person and Sana loved stirring grumpy people from sleep. She could hear Sana suggesting that they go to Mina’s house next, and she could see Momo shooting down Sana’s idea, telling Sana that it was unnecessary because they’d see each other later anyway.

Mina found herself smiling at the thought of the two. She looked at the calendar tacked at the back of her door. Her smile grew even wider.

Today was the big day. Today was the day they’d fly out of their hometown and step inside their university campus for the first time. Their acceptance letters were already mailed in, their scholarships secured, and their dorms reserved. It was scary, to fall head-first into the unknown but the entire idea of somewhere new was exciting.

In that moment, Mina let herself roll on her bed while squeezing the first pillow she grabbed. She let out a squeal of excitement. At the back of her mind, she could hear a voice saying that she was acting silly. She chose to ignore the voice. It was exhilarating, letting herself feel positive things.

There was a knock on her bedroom door, and a moment later, her mother’s head peaked out. “Good morning, join us for breakfast?”

They were standing by the driveway with Mina’s mother trying to talk her into staying. Her father was silent, busy loading her luggage at the back of their car, but Mina knew he was listening. There were nice colleges in their own city, and nicer colleges in the next city. The tuition fee wasn’t going to be an issue, because they would find ways to pay for it even without the help of a scholarship grant. If the daily commute was the problem, her mother would buy her a car. She just had to stay. Mina didn’t want to stay.

Mina didn’t want to pass by the treatment center where they spent a whole year going in and out of. She didn’t want to stay in the city where her sister was buried. She didn’t want to walk in the park where the epitaph in memory of the mass burial was. She didn’t want to see the uniform of the school she nearly got expelled from during her last month of class. This place was just too much.

“Mama, we went over this. I thought you and Dad were okay with me going?” Her voice sounded determined, but her resolve was crumbling. Was she making the right choice?

“You’re leaving us, Mina. What’s so wrong with staying?” She flinched when her mother held her arms. The supposedly soft hands felt like an exercise of her iron grip. “Tzuyu already left, and you’re going to leave as well?”

Mina wanted to argue that her mother wasn’t playing fair. Their circumstances were different. Tzuyu _died_. Mina was going to _college_. Mina felt words forming at the back of her throat. She could feel the words struggling to get out and be heard.

It wasn’t like she was going six feet under. Not that it mattered, because ever since Tzuyu passed, her parents immersed themselves in work. They only took leaves on days when it was mandatory to do so. When Mina was in the emergency room. When Mina graduated. Today, when Mina was going to leave for college.

She didn’t mean to keep count, but with the handful of times she saw her parents during daylight, it was bound to happen. She was their child too; she was hurting too. She wanted to bring up all these things, because deep inside, this was part of the reason why she wanted to go away. That aside from the death, she wanted to get away from her parents that already treated her like death. It just wasn’t fair.

She never got to talk back because her father slammed the baggage door shut. It made Mina and her mother jump in surprise, and it signaled the end of the conversation.

An apology in the form of an extra thousand in pocket money was handed to her at the airport.

—

The kid’s session lasted for two hours. When he bade her goodbye, he was standing a little straighter. It seemed like their counselling took off a load off his shoulders. Mina liked to imagine it did because that’s why she started to do what she was doing.

She took up a degree in Psychology because that was what Sana took. Momo took Performing Arts but Mina never considered it. She liked to keep out of the spotlight. After graduation, Sana went into teaching children because she adored kids, only stopping a few months ago to focus on the looming thesis for her master’s degree. Mina already got her master’s in Clinical Psychology a year prior.

When Mina was a kid, she liked studying because she liked learning. When the deaths started happening, she liked studying because it was a form of escape. So, she just kept on going. Further studies, all that.

She knew how to read people because she tended to listen, a skill that a lot of people didn’t have. She figured a career in counselling would be nice. And while she needed to start on her Ph.D. soon – because that was a clause in her contract with the mental health clinic she worked at – she didn’t know what she’d focus on.

That’ll be a problem for later. Right now, Mina needed to grab a quick lunch because her afternoon was fully booked. She headed to the clinic’s reception area.

Sometimes, their receptionist brought extra sandwiches. She always told them that her mother packed extra sandwiches for snack purposes. Mina believed that the receptionist knew they weren’t eating enough.

The chiming of the bells was soft but the voices that went with it were loud. Familiar, even.

_Seriously?_

The team settled in the receiving area and their captain, judging from the position stitched right below her name, went to the receptionist.

“Hi, good morning. We’re part of the paramedic team of the regional hospital. We, uh, have five sessions scheduled for today.” Nayeon gave the receptionist a small smile before turning to Mina. “Hello, friend.”

Mina rolled her eyes. Nayeon’s smile went bigger. “Why are you– you know what, I’m not even going to ask.”

Nayeon explained it anyway. The health clinic Mina worked in was affiliated with the government’s health insurance. The hospital’s administration found it better if their staff had their mandatory debriefing sessions outside the hospital premises. They scattered their staff across all nearby mental health clinics that were accredited with the insurance.

It made sense; the hospital wouldn’t have to pay for it because it was covered under insurance, and their in-house psychiatry department wouldn’t be burdened. A win-win.

“So, can we pick? I’d like to pick her, please.” Nayeon asked the receptionist, her finger poking into Mina’s shoulder.

“No, you cannot. I’m fully booked for the day. And even if you could, I won’t take you as a client.” Mina was rummaging behind the counter, looking for the extra sandwiches. A beat later, she felt she needed to explain. “I can’t have friends as clients, Nayeon.”

“Fine. Wanna have dinner later?”

Mina peered at the schedule flashed on the receptionist’s screen. “My last booking ends at seven.”

“You took _soooo_ long.” Nayeon was lying down on the bench at the receiving area, playing with her phone when Mina stood in front of her. Mina’s shadow was blocking the ceiling’s light, making it easy for Nayeon to look directly at the counselor’s face. The pout on her face was, by conventional standards, cute. Mina found herself flicking Nayeon’s forehead.

“I didn’t. It’s not even seven yet.” Nayeon checked the time, and Mina was never the one to lie. They still had a few minutes before seven in the evening. “My last client ended the session early because he had a football game to catch. If you noticed some guy in a jersey shirt running down the hall, that was him.”

“Oh, I didn’t. Who knew Candy Crush was fun? Anyway, I was here since five. Still a long time.” Nayeon was persistent, but a smile replaced her pout. “Okay, two questions: Where will we eat and whose car will we use?”

Mina suddenly felt the urge to ditch Nayeon. Everything about her was so… she wasn’t sure what the proper term was. Unnecessary? Extra?

Mina took in a deep breath. It was her first day back in the clinic after a week of being AWOL. She spent the last week in between highs and lows, with the day she bought her mattress being her only lucid day. All her scheduled appointments were pushed back. Some clients went to other counselors, while others chose to wait for her to return.

Now, her schedule was filled to the brim. The next few days at the clinic would be busy. She needed to buy an apology gift to their receptionist.

With half a mind to drive home and order in, Mina felt guilty. Nayeon had been infuriatingly kind to her. Bringing Nayeon to the city’s best ramen shop was the least she could do.

The paramedic was Jihyo’s closest friend; Jihyo would appreciate Mina being kind to her.

Yes, Mina was driving Nayeon to her favorite ramen place precisely because she was just being a decent human being. Not because she liked spending time with the unnecessarily extra person Nayeon was. Absolutely not because listening to Nayeon’s loud voice over the radio made her mind stay silent.

—

T – 8

If Mina were to name a downside in having the two most popular girls in school as her inner circle, it would have to be the attention. It was attention of all kinds, both good and bad. Sana was currently the vice-president of the school’s student council and Momo was the co-chairperson of their school’s lone dance club.

When they’d walk through the hallway, the freshmen would stare for a second too long, probably starstruck by her friends. Seniors would stare too, but that was the bad kind. Teenage jealousy was something Mina detested. Teenage jealousy led to stupid catfights and unnecessary scheming that somehow, Mina always got roped into.

“Can you guys stop being so popular for a week?” Mina was dusting the cake flour off her blazer because of course, the cake flour that was intended to explode in Momo’s face exploded in hers. In retrospect, Mina should have seen it coming.

Momo caught the attention of the football captain, and his fan club – a horde of adolescent girls and gays – were quite offended at the thought of their idol being taken by someone. The energy from them only got worse when Mr. Football Captain asked Momo out on a date during his thank-you speech at their general assembly yesterday. Momo wasn’t even listening to the speech.

His fan club acted fast, and there was a bag of flour in Momo’s locker by the morning. Mina didn’t usually open lockers for her friends, but Momo was distracted and Mina needed to borrow her Chemistry manual. Needless to say, Mina’s morning didn’t start off good.

Sana’s laugh sounded like the twinkling of wind chimes, and while Mina was serious about her request, she didn’t have high hopes about the matter. Momo was still apologetic about Mina’s ruined blazer. While Momo was busy patting down Mina to get the flour off her, Mina sensed somebody approaching their table.

A groan escaped her lips. “Seriously. Can we have a maximum of one event a day?” It was a whine only Momo and Sana could hear.

Sana diverted her attention to the to the guy with flowers and chocolate in hand. He had on a determined face and the beads of sweat down his temples were visible under the cafeteria’s harsh light. From the way his eyes darted back from Sana to Momo but never looking at Mina, Sana had to suppress the urge to slap the whining girl beside her.

“That’s rich from you, honey. I think he’s one of yours.”

The boy was from the classroom right beside theirs. Mina thanked him for the flowers and chocolate. Her rejection speech was cut short when the boy offered her tickets to a VIP screening of Iron Man 3. Mina could hear Momo hum in approval, the boy did his research.

Mina went to the movies with the guy. They also went to get a Subway after the movie, and he offered to walk her home. Mina realized as they made their way through the streets, with a good foot of space between them, that the guy never confessed to liking Mina. This was new, this was alright.

Sana barged in her room the next morning, excitedly asking how the date went, asking what they were.

—

They were friends, Nayeon made it clear enough. On her days off, Nayeon would show up at Mina’s clinic. Sometimes, she brought lunch with the excuse of wanting to eat with somebody and that Jihyo banned her from her office. Other times, Mina would find her waiting at the receiving area when she was about to go home, playing with whatever new arcade game that she downloaded on her phone.

They’d take turns on who’d drive where, and Mina made a flow chart on where’d they eat, depending on who was craving what. Nayeon called her a nerd who had way much time in her hands, Mina called it being efficient.

She didn’t have ‘way too much time’ in her hands because she was still catching up with her backlogs that piled up during her absence. She made the flow chart in between her counselling sessions, called up Momo for her input on this cuisine and on that restaurant.

Nayeon didn’t have to know the efforts behind the flow chart, the stupid grin she’d have on her face whenever they’d use it was enough for Mina.

Eventually, Nayeon got her place as the fifth seat in their hangouts with Sana, Jihyo, and Momo. Jihyo apologized on behalf of Nayeon’s intrusion into their lives. She was sorry because now, they’d have to suffer whatever shenanigans Nayeon had going on. It was all for show because Sana and Momo genuinely _liked_ Nayeon.

Momo declared Nayeon to be her long-lost sister after they spent a shopping date together, and Nayeon agreed with the sentiment in an instant. Sana and Nayeon were just too similar. Nayeon reciprocated Sana’s energy for physical affection in equal amounts, which was a nice break for the three. Nayeon fit right in.

—

T – 8

Momo walked back inside the living room, now with Mina’s new friend in tow. The guy looked uncomfortable to be in Momo’s presence, and Mina could see him avoid Sana’s eyes. 

“I want her home by five. We have a sleepover scheduled for later.” Momo huffed, plopping her body on the space between Sana and Mina. Mina shoved Momo playfully, telling her to behave. She didn’t expect her friends knock at her house at ten in the morning, and she didn’t expect her _new_ friend to pick her up for a Saturday lunch out.

Compromises were made, and Mina went out of her house with the promise of bringing back food for the two parasites camping on her couch.

“Your friends are kinda demanding, I feel like I’m dating them as well.” Mina whirred her head to the guy beside her.

“What?” Mina asked. She hoped she heard it wrong but the way the guy insisted on paying for Sana and Momo’s takeout earlier made sense now.

They were dating, had been for the past month. That was what the guy thought, and that was what he told his friends. He was dating _the_ Myoui Mina, top student of their year, the badass who smoked during research breaks behind the gym, the girl who didn’t date. She didn’t date anybody except for him. He said it like it was something he could list in his credentials.

“We’re not dating.” Mina said, stopping the guy from talking more nonsense. “I thought we were friends.”

The guy looked mad. He was mad. He threw a tantrum at the middle of the street because, no, they weren’t friends. Mina was his girlfriend. The takeout bag was now on the sidewalk, burgers and sundaes spilling out of the bag and onto the cemented pavement.

What a waste.

When the guy calmed down, he looked at Mina with strange eyes. “I’d date you, Mina. Totally. But to be your friend? That’s sick.”

Mina never told Sana and Momo what happened. Sana was the vice-president of the student council and Momo was the co-chairperson of their dance club. They were the two most popular people in their school. They weren’t sick in the head. 

—

(“They miss me, and I miss them. Of course, I talk to them.”)

It had been a long time since she spoke to her parents. They were never the ones to reach out first unless it was to greet her a happy birthday. She wasn’t the one to reach out either. She always assumed that they were busy with work. She didn’t think deeply into it.

Sana talked to her parents on a weekly basis. Every Monday night, without fail. That was the one condition they placed on Sana before they let her move out for college. Momo talked to her parents too, although it was mainly because her parents would be in the same place her sister was at when they’d call each other. That, Mina could understand.

Nayeon’s case was different. She really shouldn’t be surprised anymore. She just didn’t expect to be jealous about it. She wanted what Nayeon had. The free flow of communication between a child and her parents. Actually, what she wanted wasn’t even to be on par with what Nayeon had.

Mina was somebody who was a two-hour plane ride away from her parents. She missed them. She didn’t know if they missed her. She couldn’t know, because they didn’t _talk_. She just wanted to talk to them.

Her mother was online. The green circle right at the bottom part of her icon seemed brighter than it was a moment ago. Never mind, they were probably getting ready for bed.

Mina had the intention to view her mother’s profile. To just go through her timeline, to see what she had been up to lately. She let out a small scream when her finger mistakenly pressed the video call button. Before the red button, the end-call option, could be pressed, her mother’s face came in to view.

Tears were prickling behind Mina’s eyes.

“Achi, hello? Can you hear me?” Her mother looked worried. Her face was close to the phone, probably to speak into the microphone better. Her face was too close that Mina could only see her mother’s eyes and nose. “Is everything alright there? Dad, Mina’s here!”

Her mother _sounded_ worried too. It had been more than a year since she heard her mother’s voice. There was a shake of the phone from her mother’s end and a flicker of the lights as well. A moment later, her father came into the view.

Mina tried her best to hold back a sob from breaking out. There they were– in pixels. Her mother had her hair down, and the top of her nightgown could be seen. Her father was putting on his glasses, he looked like he needed a shave and a haircut, and his tank top needed a scrub with bleach. They were actually there. Mina was seeing them in real time.

“Hello, achi.” Her father was smiling, one hand holding the phone and the other waving at her. The waving motion blocked out her mother’s face, which earned a slap from her mother. Mina managed to swallow the sob and give out a small laugh.

They didn’t talk for long. Mina was honest and said she just wanted to say hello. Her father promised her that he’d shave and go to the barbershop first thing in the morning tomorrow. Her mother cried a minute into their call. She missed Mina. Her father corrected her– _they_ missed Mina.

They thanked her for the call, for the time. Mina promised to call again, even to just drop a hello. They nodded eagerly. They’ll wait for her call in the future. They wished her a good night.

Mina felt two contrasting things at the same time.

She felt like flying because she got to talk to her parents. She felt on a small cloud nine because despite everything that happened, her parents missed her. They were happy to see her.

But also, she felt like drowning. How far was the wall between them that they reached the point wherein her parents needed to say thank you to her for a five-minute call?

Angry voices were ringing in her ears. Sometimes she could hear herself, other times she could hear Tzuyu. By midnight, Mina’s throat was scratchy, and she was vaguely aware of the needle she needed to dispose of. Her mind was in a haze, but one thing was for sure: Mina needed to be a better daughter.

—

T – 13

The medals hanging from Mina’s neck were making her neck muscles sore. Or maybe it was the excessive bowing she did during the award ceremony their school held earlier. It was a dull ache, something that would be solved by a strip of menthol her father stored in their first-aid kit. She couldn’t wait to go home.

“I’m going to study harder so that I’ll get up on the stage like achi!” Tzuyu declared, her hands touching the shiny medals on Mina’s neck. Mina heard her parents laugh at the front of the car, and she was laughing as well. “Mama, I wanna go to cram school too. Then me and achi could walk home together.”

Tzuyu shot her older sister a dirty look. “I don’t like walking home alone, achi.” 

Mina hand was rummaging through her backpack. She got out a kinder joy egg that her homeroom teacher gave her earlier. “I’m sorry for being busy with cram school, shobe. Here, wanna split the chocolate with me?”

Tzuyu whispered that they weren’t allowed to have chocolate before dinner. Mina met the eyes of her father looking at them through the rearview mirror. Her father was smiling, and a slight nod from him for Mina to rip off the chocolate’s seal.

“Well, if Dad and Mama ever find out, I’ll take the blame.” Mina whispered back.

—

Mina was drunk, and Nayeon was doing her best to guide her around the apartment. Tonight was supposed to be the night Mina would help Nayeon get laid. Nayeon was all dolled up for the occasion, ditching her usual lip balm and polo shirt for the cherry red lipstick and the little black dress she bought with Momo two weekends ago.

Mina was still in her work clothes, a loose white long-sleeved shirt tucked into her cropped pants. She didn’t need to dress up, she was just supposed to hype Nayeon up to make her more appealing to whoever they were chatting with. Mina let out a scoff. Nayeon didn’t need anybody to hype her up, she was _Nayeon_.

“What does that even mean?” Nayeon asked her albeit her attention was more focused on getting Mina to her bed. Nayeon’s shoulders were narrow, but they were steady enough for Mina to use as her support. Nayeon’s grip on her waist was tight and Mina reckoned if it was any degree loser, she’d fall face first. How many bottles did she even drink?

“You drank two bottles of beer. Then it was all tequila shots after.” Oh.

“Jesus, Mina, if you wanted to get shit-faced tonight we could just have stayed in, ordered some chicken wings and finish your stocks of Cuervo. Way cheaper, and much less of a hassle.” Oh.

The familiar feeling of guilt clawed up in Mina’s chest. The plan was to let Nayeon have a fun time tonight. Fun didn’t mean for her to drive a drunk Mina home; fun was supposed to be her flirting with ladies at the bar. Maybe dancing with them; sex if it would come to that.

Mina drank more than she should have She shouldn’t have played beer pong. The night’s failure was all on her.

“I– ” Mina’s knees knocked into something soft. Nayeon must have had successfully maneuvered them to her bed. She felt Nayeon’s grip on her waist loosening, and then a small push was all it took for Mina to fall into the bed. It took all her concentration to for her body to cooperate and sit up. By the time she managed to sit cross-legged on her bed, Nayeon came back with a bowl and a towel. “I’m sorry, Nayeon.”

“Yeah well, my bad aim made us lose at beer pong and you took all my shots.” She was busy wiping Mina with the washcloth. It helped her sober up faster. Whatever Mina was going to say was muffled by the washcloth that attacked her face. It was Nayeon’s way of making her shut up.

Nayeon stood up. She told her she was going to get a warm cup of tea. Mina looked up at Nayeon, and really _looked_ at her. She remembered cutting the price tag from Nayeon’s dress earlier. The guilt shot up. She got up as well, tailing behind Nayeon.

“I’m sorry, this was supposed to be your night out.” Mina said again, this time louder. She stopped by the couch because the room was still spinning. If she got injured now, then Nayeon would have to take care of her, _again_.

“I’m not really a good friend.” Somehow, Mina knew she wasn’t just talking about tonight. “I think you should know that, at the very least.”

Breathing was suddenly heavy. Mina could see Sana and Momo sitting beside her in the emergency room. At the back of her eyelids, she could see Jihyo’s concerned eyes as she’d tumble into their apartment when she’d have a bad night and the most comfortable place would be the spare bed in Sana and Jihyo’s apartment.

“You have this habit of taking the blame for everything. Did you notice?” Nayeon wasn’t just talking about tonight either.

Silence.

“I mean, it’s not good to blame other people but it’s also not good to put _all_ the blame on yourself.” Nayeon stepped forward, cupping her cheeks tentatively. When Mina didn’t budge, Nayeon took another step forward, their foreheads now pressed against each other.

For a moment, Mina wondered if Nayeon was drunk as well. She couldn’t be, Mina drank all shots that was offered to her because Nayeon was going to drive. Maybe she snuck in a drink when Mina wasn’t looking. Her breath smelled vaguely of cranberry juice.

(“But to be your friend? That’s sick.”)

Some words stick with you, Mina had learned that the hard way.

“Do you still want to be friends with me, Nayeon?” She could feel the tears flow from her eyes. The hot trail never reached her cheeks because Nayeon was quick to wipe it out of the way with her thumbs.

Jihyo gave nice hugs. Sana gave tight hugs. Momo gave warm hugs. Nayeon’s hug was a combination of all three, and it felt so, _so_ , comfortable.

—

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more, I think. Two, if I accidentally translate the scenes in my head longer than originally planned.  
> Comment your thoughts; it'd be a nice break from my own. Hahahaha


	5. Chapter 5

_Want to give you something better than I've been_   
_I wanna write your name up on my wall_   
_Wake you up in the dead of the night_   
_Breaking the lines just trying to get better_

\- You're Still a Mystery, Bleachers

—

They were swaying. The balls of their feet were rocking back and forth, sometimes side to side. Sometimes it would be Nayeon supporting them, other times it would be Mina. It all depended on who pulled who, and Mina wouldn’t have wanted it to stop but she was still drunk. It was inevitable for her to lose balance.

“Ow.” Falling on the couch didn’t hurt. Having Nayeon’s elbows land on her ribs did. Mina moved the elbows digging into her ribs to the side to ease the pain. Nayeon shifted after, but instead of getting off Mina, she merely looked up with a lazy smile on her face. The cherry red lipstick reminded Mina of the night’s original plan. “You can go now, you know. There’s still time to pick up some willing girl. The night’s young.”

Nayeon stayed silent, the smile shifting into a frown. Mina would’ve prodded but with her current position sandwiched between the cushion and Nayeon’s body, she couldn’t be bothered. She found her arms wrap around Nayeon, her hands meeting nicely at the small of Nayeon’s back. The frown turned back into a smile.

“I could do that, yeah.” Mina hummed in encouragement, although her hands were still clasped behind Nayeon’s back. “Or we could cross off some movies on my watch list. Order in some sushi.”

Mina tried to argue that Nayeon should get back to the bar, that her efforts shouldn’t be wasted on a movie night that could happen on any other night. That movie nights should really only be watched in sweats and no makeup. The argument was half-hearted at best. Mina was still talking about it when Nayeon got up and started moving around the apartment.

By the end of Mina’s speech, Nayeon went back to the couch. She ditched her dress for Mina’s oversized hoodie and was busy removing her make up with the wipes Mina had on her drawer.

“You’re paying for the food.” Nayeon handed Mina her phone, the food app already open.

Mina beamed at Nayeon, although she couldn’t see it because the latter was still busy wiping her face. “Yes ma’am.”

Midway through their second movie, Mina was fully sober and Nayeon was fully sobbing. The television was playing an airport scene with the generic white guy dropping his bags to run to the Mary Sue that waited for him while he was away. The plot was straighter than a ruler, and Mina had a hard time understanding why Nayeon was so invested in it.

“It’s strategy, Mina. I pour out emotions in movies so that I won’t have the urge to do messy emotions in real life.”

“You like fictional drama because it feeds your need for emotional attachment, is that it?”

“Precisely, Miss Therapist. And I do one-night stands because I’m human and sex is a basic need.”

—

T – 4

“Remind me why we took ‘Philosophy of Language’ this term?” Momo asked, her head resting on a thick hardbound book. Mina thinks it’s Schroeder’s Continental Philosophy, but it may have well been a Merriam-Webster dictionary by how they kept encountering words they didn’t understand.

“It’s one of the classes that we could share together, and you’re clingy.” Sana teased. “So, this is your fault, Momoring.”

Momo, Mina observed, didn’t have the energy to talk back. They’ve been in the library since morning, and by how loud Momo’s stomach was churning, it would be safe to think that it was already nighttime.

“The professor is crazy. This is an _elective_. We spent the entire Saturday to come up with our final paper and we haven’t found something to link old men talking about languages to old men talking about scriptures.” Momo whined, looking at Mina for support. “Can we ditch Sana and eat?”

It was a tempting offer. Mina was hungry, and the piles of textbooks on their table weren’t amounting to anything substantial for their final paper. Sana was still in her ‘zone’, her reading glasses perched on her nose painting her as the nerd that she’d always deny being. If they’d give up now, then it would be Sana whining to her. Between the two of her friends, Mina would rather deal with a whiny Momo.

“We’ll find a topic before you die of hunger, Momoring.” Mina said, giving it conviction to placate her hungry friend. Sana’s head shot up in attention.

“What did you say?” Sana asked, her eyes widening in surprise. Gears were clicking in Sana’s head, and Mina had no idea what it was about.

“See, even Sana thinks its absurd. We won’t find a topic and I’ll die of hunger.”

“Momo shut. Mina, could you say that again?”

“We’ll find a topic before Momo dies of hunger?” Mina repeated, this time unsure.

Sana flipped the pages of the book she was holding– it was on New Thought, if Mina remembered correctly. Sana’s eyes skimming the pages faster than normal. She was on to something. “Law of Attraction!”

Momo gave Sana a flick on the forehead. “Newton’s? Isn’t he a math guy?”

Sana flicked Momo’s forehead in return. “No, dummy. New Thought philosophy – the 19th century spiritual movement guys – believes in a ‘law of attraction’ and we could link it with – ”

“We could link it with logical positivism. Sana you’re a genius!” Mina shouted, getting carried away by Sana’s excitement. Also, she was really hungry.

Momo only got it through her head after two rounds of pork belly refills. “So, we’re gonna make a paper on how, in dumber terms, ‘speaking things into existence’ works?”

They presented their paper a week after, and the professor gave them the highest grade in the class. For it to work, the professor remarked, it needed two people: one would have to be the source of the energy, the speaker, the doer; the second person would serve to amplify the energy. It wouldn’t have any meaning otherwise.

Mina didn’t understand their professor’s synthesis of their paper, but at that moment, they kept nodding and smiling because hey, they were getting an A.

—

“Sorry I’m late.” Nayeon slid into the booth and crashed into Mina’s side. Mina could see the rise and fall of Nayeon’s shoulders against hers. She could hear how hard Nayeon was panting. She felt Nayeon’s hand on her knee, as if Nayeon was using her to steady herself.

“Why the rush? Food’s not even here yet.” Sana asked, amused by how much Nayeon was sweating.

“You aren’t supposed to be here? Aren’t you supposed to be on a lunch date with Mina’s receptio– What?” A staring contest between Nayeon and Jihyo was starting, and it took Mina ten seconds to piece it together.

“Oh my god, Nayeon.” Mina groaned, shoving the paramedic to the aisle, _hard_. She never fell off because her hand had a tight grip on Mina’s knee. “I work with her! She feeds me sandwiches.”

“It was a Tinder match! I only knew she was your receptionist when we met up. Don’t tell her, but she looks totally different in person than on her display picture.” Nayeon reasoned out, letting go of her hold on Mina’s knee. She pinched Mina’s side as a payback for the shove. “Besides, Tinder was _your_ idea.”

Mina had her mouth open, trying to think of an argument to shoot back at Nayeon but the girl was right. It was her idea. Mina wasn’t really the type to encourage hitting up strangers online, but Nayeon was being an earful on how she was becoming an involuntary celibate. It didn’t help that their dinners on Nayeon’s rest days extended to movie nights.

(“Nayeon how are you going to meet people if you’re always here in my apartment?”

“Shouldn’t you just be thankful that I’m gracing you with my presence? Now pass me the popcorn.”

“That’s it, give me your phone. We’re downloading Tinder.”)

Sana was doing it again. She was looking at Mina with a weird face. Sana was wearing the fond expression she had for Mina but the one that was more charged, with a smile big enough to make her cheeks puff out. Mina mouthed a simple ‘what’ to her friend. Sana shot her a wink in response, making Mina narrow her eyes in irritation.

“What’s up?” Momo asked, settling beside Sana. “Why isn’t the food here yet?”

“Nayeon had a date with Mina’s receptionist.” Jihyo supplied, sticking her tongue out at Nayeon.

“Sana’s looking at me weird.” Mina answered, furrowing her brows at her friend across the table.

“Huh? Date with _who_?” Momo asked slowly, eyeing Nayeon with a weird look.

Mina glanced at the paramedic beside her. Nayeon was in another staring contest but this time it was with Momo. Nayeon looked… panicky? Her mouth was pressed in a straight line and her eyes were twitching. Mina mused if Nayeon was beside Momo, physical harm wouldn’t be a stretch. 

“Nayeon went on a date with who, Ji?” Momo asked again, her eyes breaking away from Nayeon’s stare. She was teasing Nayeon, that much Mina caught on.

The repeated question and Nayeon’s obvious discomfort at Momo’s tone made Sana laugh. Mina didn’t get it. “Something’s up.” Mina concluded. “Jihyo, tell me what’s going on. My _friends_ know something I don’t.”

Jihyo made a show of clamping her lips shut which was anything but helpful. Mina turned to Nayeon. “Why are they so invested? If anyone should be, it’s me because she’s my coworker?” Mina felt herself pouting, and _yes_ , she was being childish but Nayeon didn’t really communicate like a mature adult most of the time. All those lunches and dinners with Nayeon was rubbing off her.

Nayeon let out a whimper, and she was back to sweating. Mina felt that she was close to telling her the table’s secret but then the food arrived, and Nayeon launched herself into serving food.

When Nayeon recognized the receptionist and the receptionist recognized her, they decided to call off the lunch date. They didn’t even mention the implied hook-up that was supposed to happen after lunch because the receptionist had always assumed Nayeon was Mina’s girlfriend – Nayeon cleared it out that she wasn’t, Mina was slapping her arm in embarrassment – and Nayeon didn’t like to mess around with people that Mina knew – Mina stopped slapping her after this statement.

After Nayeon recounted her failed Tinder match, the table moved to other topics. The secret that everybody shared earlier except for Mina was eventually forgotten, and Nayeon was parking her head on Mina’s shoulder by the time dessert was served.

Today was a good one. All the laughing around the table was giving Mina fuzzy feelings, the rhythmic banter calming her mind. It was good but at the same time ominous. Like today was the calm before the storm.

—

T – 10

She wasn’t supposed to be here. Mina read it on a sign at the hospital’s entrance. Children weren’t allowed to go inside the hospital to visit patients. Then again, her sister wasn’t supposed to be attached to electrodes, oxygen, and drips of medicine that she couldn’t name.

Her sister was supposed to visit the nice doctor’s clinic tomorrow and complain about the large-bore needles that sucked up blood for the tests. She was supposed to graduate from all the hospital visits; she was supposed to go back to school.

Mina didn’t understand why Tzuyu suddenly coughed up blood because she was supposed to be okay. Tzuyu _wasn’t_ okay. Bruises were already forming on her skin when they arrived in the hospital. 

It was just the two of them in a curtained portion of the intensive care unit. Their dad went home to fetch a change clothes, their mom was talking to the nurse at the station.

When it was the two of them, Mina would always feel invincible. Like the thought of being in her sister’s presence was enough for her to go through anything. It was powerful enough for Mina to stand up against her sister’s bullies. Apparently being taller than the boys during the first grade was enough reason for her to be picked on. That was Mina’s first fist fight.

Her sister’s support was enough for her to stand up against her own bullies. Brats who were jealous because Mina kept getting stars during class, brats who got annoyed because Mina was always so silent. That was Mina’s second fist fight.

She didn’t understand what all the flashing numbers on the monitor meant. She didn’t need to understand it because something snapped inside her.

It felt like the invisible chain linking her to Tzuyu broke. If their chain was made of the metal that represented their bond, then cancer was the rust that dug into its crevices, making it weaker and weaker. Maybe it snapped under the light pressure of the breeze from the air conditioning unit because it was already so weak. Or maybe there was a medical explanation on everything that was happening.

The flashing numbers were followed by blaring alarm sounds a few seconds later. Mina was pushed aside. Nurses and aides were gathered around the bed, taking turns on who’d push on her sister’s chest just to keep her heart pumping. By then, Mina let herself cry.

It was already useless, Mina whispered. Mina wasn’t invincible anymore; Tzuyu wasn’t there.

—

Sometimes, sadness would come without any trigger. It came and went as it pleased. When it came, Mina did her best to occupy her mind. Her parents already lost one daughter; Mina didn’t want them to lose another one.

If triggers were there, things were a hundred times harder. The hardest day to go through was always the date of her sister’s death.

She gave a call to her parents– she kept true to her promise to keep in touch more. They were taking the day off and were already traveling in their car when she called.

The scenery past her father’s body was turning greener and greener, buildings few and far between. They were near the cemetery, and it was a place Mina avoided at all costs. She started on her goodbye, saying she needed to get up and start her day. 

Her parents wished her a nice day at work. Mina gave a small smile in return and ended the call. She already told the clinic the day before that she couldn’t show up. She took a leave on the excuse of family matters. She already knew how today was going to pan out.

Mina took a taxi to the drug den on 19th Street. She tried driving high once, and the earful she got from Sana and Momo rang in her ears for weeks.

The den was a small room at the back of an appliance store. It really was just cushioning on a carpeted floor, a wide coffee table, a cooler that held beer, and ceiling-high speakers at the corners of the room. There were three doors: the main door, the bathroom, and the emergency exit in case raids would happen.

The room had poor ventilation, the ceiling fan wasn’t helping in any way, and the smoke made Mina’s eyes water. The smoke wasn’t thick enough, because all Mina could smell was chlorine and alcohol that was distinct of treatment rooms, of the intensive care unit.

Her eyes stung; the heavy air making her eyes itch. Despite that, she kept her eyes wide open. Looking at the unnamed faces that were getting high was better than seeing the backs of the nurses kneeling on her sister’s bed, their shoulders rising and falling as they kept her circulation going.

The song that was playing was unfamiliar and the volume of the speakers were loud. Louder than the cries in her head, louder than the voice of the pastor telling Mina to go near the casket. But it wasn’t loud enough to drown out Tzuyu’s voice telling her not to leave, telling her that the blood wasn’t stopping.

When the stones kicked in, breathing was easier. It was just smoke in the room. She could now close her eyes; there was comfort in seeing darkness. The song was still unfamiliar, but she was bobbing her head to the rhythm of the music. The day was suddenly bearable.

But the thing with stone-induced highs was that it always had an end, and the end wasn’t a gentle slope. It wasn’t like rolling on the sofa cushions that Mina was currently doing. Ends of a high were crashing back to the harsh reality that she was still alive, her sister was dead, and the escapes she did to avoid coming to terms with it was just that– escapes.

She found herself straddling one of the unnamed faces she was looking at earlier. He had his palms cupping her breasts over her shirt and she found her hands entangled in the guy’s hair. She broke the kiss and could make out a thin string connecting their lips. Disgusting.

Mina blinked hard, trying to focus on the present. The guy’s eyes were far away. He was still high. She pushed him back to the floor, using the force to stand up. She heard him groan, but he didn’t do anything else. He’d probably sleep it off.

She fished out some bills in her pocket, counted the right amount, and gave it to her dealer. When Mina stepped out, the moon was already high up in the cloudless sky. She needed to go home soon, Momo and Sana would expect her texts by the end of the night.

Mina got out her phone, hoping to get an Uber. The hope was squished when she realized that her phone’s battery was empty. Okay, taxi it is. That didn’t work out as well, because the taxis were hard to come by and those that did already had passengers.

The night wasn’t getting any younger, so she started walking. She focused on the effort of walking in a straight line and of walking in the right direction so that there wasn’t any room to think of something else.

Walking became easier after each block, and suddenly, she didn’t need to actively concentrate on coordinating her limbs to move. The thoughts she kept at bay started invading her mind. Today marked ten years since they laid her to rest. It was Mina’s ninth year being high.

She could feel her legs walking their way up the overpass, her shoulders occasionally brushing against strangers who were making their way around the city as well. The steps were always crowded, but the strip of cement connecting opposing roads below were always free.

—

T – 9 ¾

Mina had Tzuyu’s hand in a tight hold. They were making their way back home after an afternoon in the park. She forgot that today was Friday, and the foot traffic during the rush hour was always worse compared to other days. They made their way up the footbridge, with Mina a step ahead of Tzuyu to clear a path for the younger girl.

“Can we stop here? I wanna watch.” Tzuyu asked when they were walking side-by-side. She tugged on Mina’s hand, making Mina stop at the center of the bridge. Tzuyu always liked looking at nice views, and although Mina didn’t consider fifty cars stuck in traffic a nice view, she gave in to her sister’s request.

“I think I’m getting better, achi.” Tzuyu was all smiles. “I wanna get better.”

“You miss school that bad, shobe?” Mina said, scrunching up her nose. It was a joke, and Tzuyu gave a light laugh.

“I do. But I also wanna get better for Mama and Dad.” Mina could feel Tzuyu’s hold on her tighten. “I wanna get better for you, achi.” 

Mina scoffed. She said that Tzuyu shouldn’t worry about her or their parents. They were walking again, and Mina was going on about how Tzuyu should just focus on her health. A healthy Tzuyu was all anyone in the family wanted.

Tzuyu agreed but added that she wanted her parents and her sister to be healthy as well. She didn’t like the sleepless nights and the afternoons spent in the treatment center. She didn’t like that her parents worked overtime to pay the medical bills, she didn’t like that Mina’s already had bags under her eyes from studying into the night because her afternoons were spent accompanying Tzuyu wherever the younger was. 

—

Her arms were resting on the railings of the overpass, and then they weren’t. Mina was losing sense of time because shutting her thoughts up took all her concentration. She was still at the middle of the overpass, but now she was sitting on the cemented walkway with her arms hugging her knees tight to her chest.

Mina felt herself slipping; and she was desperately trying to ground herself. She strained her ears, listening to the people walking by. Picking up on conversations that weren’t for her to hear just so the voices in her mind would shut up.

“Mommy, look at the lady. She looks like she needs help.”

(“Mina, you need help.”)

Mina whipped her head to the direction of the voice, ready to give the automatic response that _no_ , she does not need help. She was just sitting at the overpass because her thoughts were too much to handle. That was normal. The familiar annoyance of hearing unsolicited advice bubbled inside Mina’s chest.

She had a snarky remark at the tip of her tongue, but it was swallowed right away when she locked eyes with the source. It was a kid, a girl who couldn’t be any age older than thirteen. Long brown hair and big eyes that shined with innocence and care– even to strangers at the middle of the night. And _fuck_ , the girl looked like Mina’s shobe.

The mother turned on her heels, not bothering to look at Mina’s direction. She was more concerned that Mina was looking at her child, as if Mina was somebody dangerous. “Darling we gotta go. Daddy’s waiting at home.” And then, Mina could feel the mother’s eyes on her. “The lady is fine.” 

The mother gave Mina a tight-lipped smile, an apology of sorts– a sorry because she wasn’t willing to dwell on Mina’s current state. Mina mustered a smile of her own because she was, she _is_ , okay. The little girl just didn’t realize it. The little girl looked confused, but her mother was tugging on her hand signaling for her to walk again.

Mina blinked, and she could see Tzuyu standing in front of her. Tzuyu looked healthy. Tzuyu looked better. Mina blinked again. Tzuyu was dead. Tzuyu never got better.

Bits and pieces of repressed memories were finding their place in her mind, all triggered by the little girl; all triggered by somebody that reminded her of her shobe. Mina was crying, hot tears streaming down her face.

Maybe the kid was right. Maybe Mina wasn’t fine. She couldn’t be fine. She was at an overpass screaming at her younger sister’s shadow. Mina wasn’t okay, because that would explain why she was at an overpass screaming at herself.

She was getting attention from the people around her, but it didn’t matter. The moment Tzuyu’s image disappeared from her sight, Mina knew what mattered.

She got up, and although her legs were numb from sitting far too long, she forced them to walk. She needed to tell a friend. Her words wouldn’t have any meaning otherwise. Somebody needed to hear it from her mouth.

A tacky neon sign caught Mina’s attention. She knew where to go. Somebody was a block away from where she was.

“I wanna get better.” Mina whispered to the sleepy girl in front of her.

“I wanna get better!” Mina screamed, but the scream wasn’t for the Nayeon. The scream was for the demons inside her mind.

Nayeon opened the door to her apartment wider and pulled Mina in an embrace. Mina was shaking, but this time she was shaking in anger. She was angry at herself for letting it get to this point, for letting the bad habits drag out for this long.

In the comfort of Nayeon’s arms, Mina let herself feel. She let herself _feel_ all the hurt had been piling up for the past years. They attacked in waves, and _god_ , it hurt. There wasn’t the protection of the haze that went with drugs this time.

But while her memories took turns in hurting her, while the demons in her mind passed around who would be holding the microphone, she could feel Nayeon bringing her to the bed, cradling her in her arms.

When Mina found the strength, she looked up to face Nayeon. She underestimated their proximity and ended up with their foreheads pressed against each other, with the tips of their noses touching. She could feel herself mimicking the smile that was on Nayeon’s face and Mina suddenly felt so grateful.

She had no idea what time it was anymore, but with how their limbs were entangled together, it was safe to assume Nayeon wasn’t going to let her go home anyway. 

Mina wanted to say a lot of things. A thank you for the crying shoulder, an apology for the midnight intrusion, a whole speech on how Nayeon was such a great person. In the end, the words that tumbled out of Mina’s lips were: I’m gonna get better.

And in those four words, Nayeon smiled wider, like she understood all that Mina wanted to say.

Nayeon gave Mina a kiss on the forehead, a few kisses where her tears trailed, and to end, she nuzzled their noses together. Each touch was softer than the previous one, and Mina found herself lulled by Nayeon's ministrations to sleep.   
  


—

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's it, we're entering Fluffland for the next update. If you've read up to this point, thank you so much for the time.


	6. Chapter 6

_Well, everything has changed_   
_And now it's only you that matters_   
_I will find any way to your wild heart_

\- Wild Heart, Bleachers

—

T – 4

She could feel the sweat – both hers and from some girl in the dormitory across hers – cling to her in the humid morning air. Was it even morning? Mina made the mistake of looking for the sun, which was already overhead, shining blindingly. Okay, maybe it was noontime. The disorientation from meth and sleep was slowly going away, leaving Mina’s head to deal with the hangover from all the keg stands she did last night.

It took her three tries to fit the key into the keyhole and two pushes for her creaky door to open, but finally, she was inside her dorm. It was Sunday, and she had the remainder of the day to shower, sleep, and finish on her Assassin’s Creed game which was a gift from a begrudging Sana.

Mina had to rub the sleep off her eyes for a few seconds because it seemed like the begrudging Sana – and Momo – were sitting down on her bed. The pairs of eyes took in her entire appearance, and by how uncomfortable Mina felt with all the sweat and clothes clinging to her, she could only guess that she didn’t look particularly presentable at the moment.

Momo gave out a sigh. Mina could see the way her shoulders heaved as the breath of air escaped her mouth. It was deep enough for the sound to travel across the room, to where Mina was standing. Momo raised her hand, her index finger pointing up. Mina’s eyes followed, and she let out a groan as she read the banner taped to her wall.

‘ I N T E R V E N T I O N ’

_Shit._

“You said we could do this after three missed brunches.” Sana started; her voice sounding defensive. “It’s been five, Mina.” 

Mina took a tentative step toward the bed. Her mind was urging her to turn around and hide at some café until her friends would leave her room but one look at Sana and she knew Sana was being serious. If she ran away now, Mina was willing to bet her entire game collection that Sana would run after her, maybe she’d wave the banner while running.

She took a few more steps to her bed. Before Mina could talk, Momo threw a towel at her. “Shower first. If we’re gonna cry and cuddle after this, at least don’t reek of sex.” Momo’s outburst broke the tension, and Mina gave out a small laugh while Sana pushed Momo off the bed in frustration.

“Momo! You promised.”

“I love her as much as you do Sana, but the Mitang reeks of alcohol and sex and I do _not_ want remnants of a stranger’s fluids on me.”

Mina was already brisk walking to her bathroom, but she could hear snippets of conversation between her friends. Sana may be excessively affectionate in all settings, but Momo was always softer on Mina when it came to her bad habits. Maybe it was because Momo felt guilty about offering Mina her first hit years ago, but Mina already told Momo that she’d end up the path one friend or another.

She didn’t know if her reasoning helped, but what was done was done. She never blamed Momo for her bad decisions, and she won’t start blaming her now.

Sana started skirting around the issue after Mina’s first trip to the emergency room. With each trip to the E.R., Sana got more vocal about it. Sometimes they’d end up fighting over it, both of them brooding at separate corners of the room. Other times, they’d end up in a catfight, but not really, because the pinches and rakes across the skin were never deep enough to draw blood. It was only enough to let off steam.

At the end of each and every talk about it, Momo was there to glue them back together. Sometimes it took five minutes, sometimes it would take Momo the whole night, but she’d always come through; they’d end up crying and cuddling after.

“Can we skip to the hugging part?” Mina tried, putting on her best smile for her friends. The painful slap on her thigh from Sana felt like a resounding no.

Who needs pain killers for the hangover if your friend was going to give you more pain? Mina pouted, rubbing the red spot on her thigh.

Mina expected Sana to start off with the health benefits of quitting, which was her usual way of starting the long speeches. She didn’t expect Momo to do the talking.

“We just… we want you to be with us. We don’t need to stick together 24/7, you can always bail out on brunches. I mean, I get sick of hanging out with you guys too. But personally, I’d like to sleep with knowing that you aren’t somewhere getting drugged up at the middle of the night.” Momo moved Mina’s hand away, now taking the responsibility of soothing her thigh. “I want, and Sana wants this too– I want you to be alive, Mina. I think it’d be nice if we graduate this damned university together. Maybe live in the same city when we start working. I don’t know. This isn’t about me. I just… can I ask that you’d take better care of yourself?”

And that was it. They probably spent more time in putting up the banner compared to Momo’s talk. Mina could see drops of tears falling on the back of Momo’s hand, and before she could figure out if the tears were hers or Momo’s, Sana was all over them, engulfing them in a group hug.

“I really, _really_ don’t deserve you guys.”

“Shut up, Mina.”

—

The air was cool, cooler than Mina’s usual temperature setting of her own apartment. For a moment, Mina wondered if her unit’s air conditioning broke, but that wouldn’t explain the fleece blanket that she was covered with. Cool air, a warm blanket, and… a body next to her. She wasn’t in her apartment.

_Did I sleep with some rando from 19 th Street?_

Mina let out a whimper. She didn’t do that anymore; she left that habit in college. She felt the weight of her clothes on her, making her sigh in relief. Maybe she crashed in somebody’s apartment. Okay, that’d be a better thought to wake up to.

The room was dark, so she had to feel for her phone. All her movements managed to wake the stranger next to her. The body shifted, and a head peaked out of the covers.

“Go back to sleep.”

“Nayeon?”

Seeing Nayeon’s face triggered the influx of last night’s events in her mind.

She remembers leaving the den and walking back home because her phone’s battery was empty and all the taxis were occupied. She remembers a breakdown in the middle of the footbridge, and a kid who creepily looked like Tzuyu. She remembers getting the epiphany that she had to stop getting high because all Tzuyu wanted was for her to get better.

Remembers the neon lights of the grocery, remembers the comfort of Nayeon’s arms.

“Nayeon.” Mina said again, sleep leaving her as all the memories came back. The stranger-not-stranger drew up the blanket over her face and muttered something about sleeping.

It was enough to make Mina grin. She could imagine Nayeon’s contorted face as she’d chase back sleep – she saw it enough times during their movie nights when it was her turn to pick and she’d annoyingly wake Nayeon up during fight scenes.

In the Marvel Cinematic Universe, there were a _lot_ of fight scenes. Mina wouldn’t admit it out loud but waking Nayeon up was more for her to see the irritation on Nayeon’s face than it was for Nayeon to be educated about how yes, Doctor Strange and Iron Man are different people, and no, Mina would not dress up as Doctor Strange even if Nayeon would beg for it.

While Mina was grinning at the blanketed body, she could see a faint light from the bedside table. Peering over, Mina silently thanked Nayeon. The light was from her phone, the battery bar now fully colored in green.

As Mina went over her unopened messages, she gave another thank-you to Nayeon in her head. From what her mind could digest at five in the morning, Nayeon gave both Sana and Momo a heads up on her current whereabouts. Their last text hours ago demanded Mina to cook them up a nice breakfast, and if she couldn’t make it to her apartment by breakfast time, then she’d owe them both a dinner at a five-star restaurant uptown.

Mina sank back into the bed, and although hers was more comfortable, it was still hard to get up and go home. The cool air and warm blanket were lulling her back to sleep, and it didn’t help that her eyes were still heavy from all the crying she let out last night. But a voice at the back of Mina’s mind gave the not-so-gentle reminder that she didn’t have anymore money to spare to treat her two friends to an overwhelmingly expensive restaurant.

Knowing Momo and Sana, they _would_ expect her to actually treat them to whatever they wanted, shrugging off Mina’s temporary financial crisis as another reason to stop doing drugs. It was a sound argument. Mina just didn’t want to hear it before. _Before_.

Today she’d try.

“Where are you going?” Nayeon’s head peeked out again, and Mina could faintly see Nayeon glaring at her. Or what would be a glare if Nayeon’s eyes weren’t heavy-lidded with sleep.

“Back to my place. I need to make breakfast for Sana and Momo or else they’d make me buy them dinner somewhere I really can’t afford.”

Nayeon was silent, and Mina thought the paramedic went back to sleep. When she was about to give Nayeon a pat on the head as a goodbye, Nayeon reached out and grabbed her wrist.

“If I drive you to your place, will you cook me breakfast as well?” It came out as a whine and Nayeon was visibly fighting off the urge to go back to dreamland. Cute.

“I could drive, and you could sleep shotgun. I’d still cook you breakfast, how about that?”

—

T – 4

Momo’s speech struck a chord in Mina, and she found herself away from stones for twelve days. She didn’t mean to count, because then she’d get pressured to keep up. But she did cross out the days she stayed away from getting high with a red broad-tipped marker on the calendar tacked to her door.

“What are those Xs in red? Oh my god, Mina, have you been bleeding for–” the concern seeping out of Sana’s voice was so palpable that Mina was getting worried as well, which was silly considering she knew what the Xs meant. “twelve? Have you been bleeding for twelve days? That isn’t normal, right?”

Sana was now hovering in Mina’s personal space – not that Sana had any concept of personal space when it concerned Mina – looking for signs of Mina being unwell. She was checking Mina’s hands, feet, arms; and in shock, Mina just let her be. When Sana was peering Mina’s eyes open, Mina was snapped back into reality.

“What? No, Sana, no. That’s, um, ”Mina tried to look for any other reason as to why she’d cross over the past days on her calendar. She couldn’t reason out classes – she and Sana shared almost every class together and Sana was way more organized than her. Mina drew a blank. She needed to tell Sana something because Sana was still panicking. Mina went with the truth, “that’s the number of days I haven’t taken a hit.”

The look on Sana’s face was familiar. It was the look Mina’s parents had on their faces when Mina graduated with an academic excellence award back in high school. The look that said, ‘I’m proud of you, in spite of everything’.

It was bordering on frustrating, how Sana had that look on her face when all Mina really did was live out the past days.

“It’s not that big of a deal, stop looking at me like that.” Mina was aiming for a nonchalant tone, but her voice croaked under the weight of the expectations the red Xs implied.

Sana did what she did best– she gave Mina a tight hug, letting Mina let out the breath she didn’t even know she was holding.

“I’m scared, Sana.” It was muffled because her head was pressed against the crook of Sana’s neck, but Sana heard it, nonetheless.

“Whatever happens, I’m already proud of you.”

Mina was thankful she couldn’t see Sana’s face anymore. Now that Sana knew about her abstinence, the whole thing felt more real. It wouldn’t be long before Momo, who was still stuck in class, would find out about it. Mina just hoped that she could pull this off.

—

Surprisingly, when Sana and Momo went on how worried they were, Nayeon stayed silent. Mina liked to think that she was simply enjoying her morning coffee; that she got Nayeon’s coffee down to how she liked it, but Nayeon added a teaspoonful of creamer right after her first sip.

A silent Nayeon was never a good sign, and when Momo and Sana took a break from talking, from nagging Mina to actually eat breakfast, Mina nudged Nayeon’s foot to grab her attention.

Mina gave a small pout and tilted her head, asking her if she was okay.

Nayeon raised an eyebrow in question and motioned to the two people across them.

Mina wasn’t sure what Nayeon meant, but if she was gesturing to Sana and Momo, maybe the best answer to the question, for now, was a no.

Nayeon gave a small nod and went back to her coffee.

That was that, and Mina found the whole exchange confusing. She felt Nayeon’s free hand squeeze her knee, and Mina relaxed at the touch. Nayeon was alright, Mina didn’t need to worry about her.

By the end of breakfast, Mina was worried about being late for work.

She’d always lose track of time when spending it with friends, and this morning was no different. She only noticed the time when Sana said she needed to get going because she’d meet up with her thesis adviser. Momo left with Sana, saying how Sana owed her a taxi ride.

That left Mina with Nayeon, and before Mina could say anything, Nayeon was already pushing her to her room to get ready for the day and that Nayeon would handle the dishes. How many times did she thank Nayeon in her head? Mina already lost count.

“Your car is literally parked next to mine?” Mina asked, confused why Nayeon was getting inside her car.

“Yeah but you happen to pass by the mall on the way to work and climate change is real so I’m hitching a ride.” The click of the seatbelt locked Nayeon in place, making Mina roll her eyes. “Text me your schedule today? I’ll get you the Takoyaki you like so much.”

By lunch time, Nayeon was in her office with a big order of Takoyaki for them to share and two rice bowls. She also had a brand-new 2-liter water bottle and a month’s supply of ascorbic acid.

“This is lunch.” Nayeon said, preparing their food on the coffee table.

“This is for your detox. Hydration is important, go for at least two liters daily. Take the ascorbic acid twice a day.” She placed the big-ass water bottle and the boxes of ascorbic acid on Mina’s table.

“I–” Mina was at loss for words, because Nayeon was being _Nayeon_ yet again. Infuriatingly kind. “Why are you doing this, Nayeon?” It was sharp, and it sounded aggressive. It wasn’t Mina’s intention but Nayeon already heard it and hurt was on her face. “I’m sorry, that sounded rude.”

“It was, you were very rude.” Nayeon butted in, a playful smile replacing the hurt look she had earlier. Nayeon made things easy. “Very rude that you now owe me a ticket to the new Nicholas Spark’s movie adaptation that’ll be out next week.”

“ _A_ ticket? Okay I’ll buy you one. I’m sorry.” Mina replied with a playful smile of her own.

“Don’t act dumb. That goes without saying that you’ll watch it with me.” Nayeon gestured for Mina to pick a rice bowl. “Now eat your lunch.”

Mina had half an hour to spare before her next schedule, and she found them settled nicely on the couch. She was checking her notes while Nayeon was playing a game on her phone. It was a puzzle game that Nayeon downloaded because she pitied the bald guy in the kept popping in the ads. Gardenscapes? Mina wasn’t sure. Nayeon would uninstall it when she’d get bored of it anyway.

“Was the water bottle too much? Or was it the vitamin C?” Nayeon asked, her voice considerably softer than how she normally talked. Mina looked up from her notes in surprise. She was met with a very serious-faced Nayeon, which was just Nayeon with more cheeks because the frown on her face extended the cheeks’ surface area.

“It’s neither, Nayeon.” Mina paused, struggling to find the right words. “You’re just, so… you. To me.” The words weren’t from the vocabulary Mina prided on having, but it made Nayeon smile so maybe that was good enough.

“Okay, so just let me be me. To you.”

—

T – 4

Mina wants to blame wants to blame her professor for the surprise quiz she flunked earlier. She wants to blame the drunk freshman that bumped into her in the quad, making her spill the coke she held on her favorite white top. She wants to blame her annoyingly persistent dealer who sold her a sachet at a discounted price– because he had the audacity to be worried why Mina wasn’t buying anymore.

She wants to blame a lot of people, but she could not. She would not. They weren’t the ones making her heat the stones in her oil burner. They weren’t the ones inhaling the vapor. They weren’t the ones getting high. It was all her, all Mina.

It was Momo who first knew about it. Mina forgot about the dinner she promised to buy Momo after she’d ace her latest performance. Momo didn’t forget about the dinner treat, and that was why she opened the door to Mina’s dorm the night Mina got high. Mina had a dopey smile on her face, which was instantly replaced by a look of regret as soon as she saw her friend.

It was Sana who managed to coax Mina out of bed– and by then the noodles that Momo heated for their dinner was long cold.

They said it was okay. That Mina was okay. Sana and Momo weren’t mad. There was nothing for them to forgive. She needed to get out of bed because she needed to eat dinner. Momo made her dinner, and Sana went to her right after her date. Her friends were there for her. Shit happens. It was okay.

It wasn’t okay, because the red Xs on her calendar only managed to color fourteen days. At the peak of Mina’s frustration at herself, she threw the marker into the trash. The sound of the pen hitting the trashcan was nowhere near satisfying, but Mina lost hope in changing habits. She just needed to stay alive.

—

Two rounds of knocks and three minutes. That was how long it took before Jihyo opened the door to her and Sana’s apartment. Mina’s fingers were aching with the weight of the plastic bag containing dinner and desert, and her knuckles stung from when she knocked too hard. It was all worth it, because Jihyo welcomed her with open arms.

“Hey, Sana’s not here. She’s meeting up with her stat guy for her thesis.” Jihyo said, confused on why Mina was showing up at there apartment with food that was too much for two people. “We can play CTR Nitro if you want?”

They ate dinner in peace, with Mina listening intently to Jihyo’s anecdotes from work. They had desert in between loading screens of their game, and all throughout, Jihyo never prodded on Mina’s sudden appearance.

“I’ve been doing this thing.” Mina started, but her concentration was on her character, which was currently 2nd in place next to Jihyo’s. Jihyo’s eyes were still glued to the screen, but she gave out a sound that told Mina she was listening. “And I wanna keep doing this thing but tonight’s been hard.”

“So, bringing me dinner and playing CTR Nitro will help you keep doing this… thing?” Jihyo asked, a slight frown appearing on her face when Mina took the lead in their current race.

The race ended, and a Mina’s character was holding the golden trophy, jumping happily on the animated platform. “Yeah, it helps.” Mina was smiling as well, but she was smiling at Jihyo whose loud voice and even louder television set drowned out bad thoughts.

“Alright, let’s make you keep doing the thing then.” Jihyo said, closing the topic smoothly. The ease of navigating conversations with Jihyo reminded Mina of a certain paramedic.

Nayeon, annoyingly, had been a constant presence in the past weeks. Her absence was bordering on painful now.

Mina liked to think that it was Nayeon’s fault, because she was the one who’d pop up with lunch at her clinic, but then Mina wasn’t entirely blameless. She did make the damned restaurant flowchart to help with their dinner dilemmas. But then again it was Nayeon who saw it as a challenge to make them try _all_ the restaurants listed.

Thinking about Nayeon was a headache bound to happen.

Movie nights in the apartment were one thing, on how it evolved to them going out to cinemas to catch movie premieres were another. Not to mention Nayeon was already friends with Momo and Sana, the two unofficial gatekeepers of Mina’s life. And really, if Jihyo and Sana were in it for the long run, then by extension, Nayeon would be in for the long run too.

Why was Mina even thinking about Nayeon anyway?

Nayeon, Nayeon, Nayeon.

“Oh, before I forget, you and Momo should come over this weekend. Trash the apartment or whatever you three do when Sana wants to destress. I won’t be here.” Jihyo was scrunching her nose in disgust, probably thinking of all the times she walked in on the three after they had their nights out.

“What’s with the weekend?”

“Nayeon’s birthday. We always spend it back home with her family.”

_Oh._ So that was why Nayeon was taking double shifts this week. Mina ran the numbers in her head. Today was Nayeon’s second day straight of working. Her normally 24-hour shift went to be a 48-hour double, which extended her rest days up til Monday next week. Monday. That’d total to six days of Mina being Nayeon-free. She felt a sharp pang in her chest, which went away as quick as it came. Weird.

“Have a nice dinner, Mama, Dad.” Mina waved a goodbye before she ended the call with her parents. She tried to time her calls regularly, and now it was usually either after her morning smoke or when she’d arrive home from work. It was small talk at best because Mina and her Dad were never the talkative type and Mina felt her mother was being extra cautious to avoid arguments.

It was nowhere near perfect, but it made her days better. It would do for now, and Mina made a mental note to open more to her parents. It seemed like they were letting Mina take the lead on their reconnection, and Mina appreciated it.

A knock on the door brought Mina out of her musings. _Who?_ It couldn’t be Sana or Momo because they spent the day – and yesterday – together doing exactly what Jihyo told them to do. Letting Sana destress. Or the three of them trashing Sana and Jihyo’s apartment, both were true enough.

Nayeon stood there at the front of her door, a hand balled up ready to knock again, when Mina opened it. The surprise on Nayeon’s face quickly changed to a big smile– cheeks, teeth, and gums. “Hi.”

“What are you doing here?” It wasn’t a very nice thing to say to somebody that had been occupying her mind for the past week, but Mina had little filter when it came to Nayeon.

“You know what? No. Let’s do this again. Close the door. When you open it either you’re gonna give me a hug or you’re gonna say happy birthday Im Nayeon, the most beautiful gir–”

Before Nayeon could finish what she was going on about, Mina pulled her into a hug. It was tight enough to let Mina feel the curves of Nayeon’s waist even though Nayeon had some three layers of clothing on her. It was close enough for Mina to park her chin on top of Nayeon’s shoulders, making her effortlessly inhale the scent of Nayeon’s shampoo.

It was close enough to squish the five days they spent apart. Mina tried not to count, but with her mind flying to Nayeon constantly, it was hard not to.

“That’s more like it.” Nayeon said, hugging Mina even tighter. It kinda hurt to breathe, but the sharp pang in Mina’s chest went away so it was a nice tradeoff. “Wanna have dinner at some five-star restaurant uptown? My treat.”

—

T – 3

“I think it’s a load of crap.” Sana said, absentmindedly twirling the whip cream of her frappe.

Mina looked up from the stream she was watching and shot Sana ang questioning look. Sana didn’t notice it, her eyes too busy staring at the café’s décor. Mina followed to see what caught Sana’s attention. It was a quote, all printed and upholstered nicely to fit the café’s interior design.

“You can’t heal in the same environment that broke you?” Momo recited the words, confused on the quote’s dark connotation. It was a sharp contrast to the warm and inviting mood of the café.

“You can. That’s why I think the quote’s a load of crap.” Sana shifted her eyes back to her friends. “It’s a very boxed viewpoint on things. It doesn’t give the opportunity to let the environment change. Everything changes.”

“I think it’s just too broad. The only way to healing is through digesting your trauma, to actually sit through and talk about it. Acknowledge it and start from there. But at the same time, you can’t heal if you’re continuously exposed to what’s causing you harm. Didn’t our professor in Clin Psych talk about that last term?”

Before Sana could add to Mina’s opinion, Momo gave out a loud groan. “ _I_ think the both of you are nerds.”

—

When Mina woke up finding herself sleeping on her couch with a thin sheet of sweat on her body and her vision a little bit hazy, she figured she was in deep shit. When saw a used needle, an empty vial, and an empty packet, she _knew_ she was in deep shit.

Fuck.

She grabbed the desktop calendar that was on her drawer and started counting. One, two, three… twenty-four. She managed to steer away from meth for a record-breaking twenty-four days. For the past three weeks she drank two liters of water, took vitamins twice a day, fought off withdrawal symptoms, and ignored the occasional itch to get high.

Last night wasn’t even hard. She was just cleaning her apartment when she found the sachet in her bottom drawer that still had half of its contents. The familiar feeling of hopelessness crept up on her, but this time, her anger at herself was stronger.

“When the waiter told me that some angry chick demanded to see the chef, I thought it was gonna be a lawsuit. What’s wrong?” Momo asked, scooting next to Mina on the corner couch. An arm automatically draped over Mina’s shoulders, and Mina let herself be pulled into Momo’s side.

“I fucked up, Momo.” Mina told Momo everything that happened on her sister’s death anniversary, told her how she kept it a secret from her and Sana because she was afraid that she’d screw it up. Not that it mattered now because she still managed to screw it up. And then Mina told Momo about how Nayeon knew, and how Nayeon was so supportive for the past weeks. Told her how she was scared that she’d disappoint Nayeon. Told Momo how frustrated she felt about herself, how felt she so weak.

Momo went silent for a few minutes after Mina finished her rant. The only sign Mina had that Momo’s attention was on her was how Momo was rubbing small circles on Mina’s shoulder.

  
“Come on Mina, you survived through worse shit. You gotta give yourself a break.” With the conviction Momo had in her voice, Mina let out a whimper. “What do you wanna do now?”

“I wanna get better, Mo. That stupid session I had last night was a mistake.” And Mina really did. Sure, the past weeks were hard, but she was thriving on the thought that she was doing something about it.

“If you say you wanna get better, then you’ll get better, Mitang. Didn’t we do a paper about it in college?” Momo pulled her in for a quick hug. “We’ll talk more about this after my shift, is that okay?”

“Dinner time at my apartment? I’ll tell Sana to come over too.”

Having Sana and Momo sit with legs crossed on her bed was like all the interventions they staged back when they were still attending their old university, but this time it was different because it was Mina who gathered them together. They didn’t cuddle and cry this time around either.

Mina was talking a mile a minute, catching Sana up to speed and giving Momo more details than she did earlier. And by the end of Mina’s explanation of things, she was completely drained. For the first time in their decade-long friendship, Mina was the one asking help on how she could get better; and for the first time as well, both Sana and Momo had nothing to say.

The silence of Mina’s apartment was broken by a call from her parents. Her mother was worried if something wrong happened because it was nearing ten in the evening and Mina still didn’t make her daily call. When Mina appeared on the screen fully awake and well, her mother hastily apologized, volunteering to drop the call but Mina was quick to say no. She even let Sana and Momo talk to her parents, which was heartwarmingly weird.

The answer to their dilemma was found by Momo underneath a packet of instant noodles in Mina’s cupboard. Jeongyeon always placed brochures in different areas of the apartment thinking that it would help if Mina would ‘accidentally’ stumble on it herself back when they were still together. Who knew the time would come for it to be useful?

“A rehab program?” Mina asked slowly, testing how the words tumbled out of her mouth.

“A rehab program in _Japan_?” Sana asked even more slowly, stressing out on the location that was advertised in the brochure.

Momo shrugged, eyes busy reading the contents of the brochure. “All kinds of diseases need treatment, right? And addiction is a disease so, why not?”

There were a lot of answers to Momo’s why not: Mina had a stable job which was under a contract that needed her to start her Ph.D. soon; she also had a contract with her apartment; also, Sana and Momo were here. Jihyo too. And Nayeon. Nayeon.

“But it’s so far, Mo.” Sana whined, totally ignoring the way Mina was getting ready to list all her reasons on why it was a bad idea.

“It’s a thirty-minute drive from Mina’s house, actually. Well, thirty minutes if there isn’t any traffic. Didn’t you say you wanted to right your relationship with your parents?” Momo handed the brochure to Mina and offered a small smile. “I’m just giving out options here. Well, option. Just one.”

Mina went on with her list of why she couldn’t do it. Sana countered that it was totally doable.

Sana’s points – and she even listed it down on a piece of paper to make Mina read it over and over again – went like this.

First: Mina worked at a mental health clinic. If there was any workplace that would understand her situation, it would have to be a mental health clinic. Mina could always try, if they didn’t approve for a leave, then it’d be a problem for later.

Second: They’d put up the apartment for rent, taking in transients just long enough to cover Mina’s absence. Or they could convert it to some kind of Airbnb rental. It seemed illegal, but Mina’s head wasn’t really processing anything.

Third: What was six months in the grand scheme of things, anyway? If it meant Mina quitting her addiction once and for all, it would be worth it. They could always video call. They’d visit during the holidays.

Fourth: Mina needed to talk to Nayeon.

(“Of course, you should go for it, Mina. If you think it’s best for you, then go.”) 

—

T **+** ½

“I’ve missed you!” Sana screamed, making the people look at them. Mina could feel the heat rising to her cheeks. Thank god for Momo, who was quick to help Mina with her bags and detach Sana from her body. “And no, before you say that we just saw each other last week when me and Momo went home for the holidays, let me have this moment. You’re finally _back_.”

It was difficult to walk with the way Sana’s arm was looped in hers– it felt like she was dragging Sana to the car, but Mina wouldn’t have it any other way. She was _finally_ back. She was about to take the keys of her car from Momo, but Momo pushed her into the backseat of the car. Went on about how Mina should take a rest since she just got off her flight. Alright. 

“Do you guys wanna have breakfast somewhere? It’s on me.” Mina asked as Momo drove them out of the airport. She could see Sana and Momo exchange knowing looks over the center console. “What? I thought you were happy to see me?”

Sana gave her a wink, and Momo laughed before talking. “Well yeah, but we did see each other last week. I know somebody who hasn’t seen you in half a year. Maybe you’d wanna have breakfast with her?”

Mina bit the inside of her cheek, unsure of how to respond. She was suddenly nervous. Six months was a long time. People could change; _she_ changed.

“She’s in her apartment sleeping. Today’s her rest day. I’d know, because Jihyo and her went out last night with a bunch of college friends.” Sana said, and somehow, it made Mina more nervous.

“Ah. Well, maybe she has somebody over? I’ll just see her when we meet up with Jihyo too. Yeah, that sounds good.” Mina didn’t know where Momo was driving to, but a familiar tacky neon sign of a 24-hour small-scale grocery could be seen from where they were. The palms of her hands were starting to sweat.

Momo parked at the grocery, telling Mina to get off and buy a bottle of ketchup, which in retrospect was _weird._ But Mina was too nervous about other matters to actually think about what Momo was asking her to do.

When Mina went out of the grocery store with a bottle in hand, it was then that she realized the stupid scheme her friends were up to.

“Momo!” Mina hissed into her phone, and she could hear Momo and Sana laugh. Of course, they’d put her on speaker. “Sana, I know you’re listening. Tell Momo to come back and fetch me. That’s _my_ car you idiots are in.”

“We’ll fix your stuff for you in your apartment. Jihyo made a reservation at the ramen place you love for lunch. If _both_ of you show up, you can get your car back.” 

“If you won’t do it for yourself, Mitang, then do it for us! We kept your arrival a secret and you should know how disgustingly cute she gets when she pouts. Thank us later.” Momo shouted into the phone before she dropped the call.

  
Mina could feel her stomach drop as well. It’d drop, then it’d bounce up, and okay, is this what they call butterflies? It felt more like indigestion than fluttery feelings. She checked the spare change in her coat – Sana asking for her wallet earlier on the pretense of inserting her latest picture should’ve been a warning sign – and surprisingly, she found a folded bill that would be enough for a cab ride back to her apartment. It would also be enough for a liter of pineapple juice and a loaf of bread.

_Ah, fuck it._

Two knocks. That was all Mina could do. Maybe the lack of sleep coupled with the two-hour flight drained her. Or maybe all the twists and turns her stomach was doing together with how hard her heart was palpitating was the reason why she had no energy left. Mina slumped her forehead against the door, the impact was loud enough to pass as a third knock. God. _Why is this so difficult?_

She felt herself topple as the door swung open. Thank god for Nayeon’s quick reflexes. Apparently, Mina’s body was more ready for Nayeon than her mind because as soon as Nayeon caught her, her arms wrapped Nayeon in what would have been a bone-crushing hug if she had the energy. She didn’t, but it was her best.

“Hi.”

The ugly scream Nayeon let out was loud enough to damage her eardrum, and the way Nayeon hugged her was painful as it was tight. Mina felt she could stay in the moment forever. She wouldn’t have stepped back if she hadn’t felt the way Nayeon’s shoulders were shaking.

“Hey, what’s wrong? Why are you crying?” Mina asked, raising both of her hands to cup Nayeon’s face. Squishy. Mina let out a smile. And then she remembered that Nayeon and Jihyo went out last night, oh god, maybe she _did_ have somebody else inside her apartment. “Is this a bad time? Should I go?”

The slaps she received from Nayeon equated to the number of times Nayeon said no. By the fifth slap, Mina got the message and she grabbed Nayeon’s hand with her own, their fingers intertwining on instinct.

“Yah, okay, okay, I’ll stay.” A beat later, “Good morning, do you want breakfast?” Mina held up the plastic bag containing three items. “I’ve been told that Heinz ketchup goes well with toasted bread.”

Nayeon pulled her back in and Mina thought it would be another hug but Nayeon was quick to angle Mina’s head to meet her lips and _fuck_.

Fuck, because Mina was vaguely aware that she dropped the plastic bag – she hoped nothing broke – to free her hands. Hands that were now busy gripping the edges of Nayeon’s top, hands that were pulling Nayeon as close to her as was physically possible.

Fuck, because Mina didn’t know how Nayeon liked to be kissed. One second it was soft as an angel’s breath and the next it would be teeth and biting. Mina sensed the metallic taste of blood at the tip of her tongue, and she wasn’t sure if it was hers or Nayeon’s.

Fuck, because Nayeon was moaning into her mouth, and Mina almost thought she was high from stones again. The sensory overload that Nayeon was giving her was a high similar to what meth did. Maybe even better. She could hear Nayeon whimper as she angled the kiss deeper and _okay_ , a Nayeon-induced high was way better than A-grade stones.

They were breathing heavily, with Mina pinned against the doorway. Nayeon looked like she had a million thoughts running in her mind, but Mina was too dazed to concentrate on anything other than how Nayeon’s body was pressed against hers.

“Are you… better?”

“I’m better.”

“You’re staying?”

“I’m staying.”

Nayeon gave her a slow kiss, a reward of sorts for her answers. Mina had some questions of her own.

“I know you did a pinky promise with Jihyo about friends being off limits so–”

“No, Mina. You don’t count. I knew you before Jihyo introduced us.”

“So, can we? Can I?”

“Yes, Mina. God, it’s a fucking yes.”

—

**Author's Note:**

> There are a few things I'd like to say: 
> 
> (1) I wrote this during my free time in the past two weeks, and writing it has been a rollercoaster ride. I hope I translated my thoughts enough for you to feel the ride too.
> 
> (2) This work has been heavily influenced by [Strange Desire](https://open.spotify.com/album/0cnNCK2xpudXjB8pzsrYy9?si=shoYuYUXQxOSzD331HGwag), the album from where all mentioned songs come from. This isn't a song fic by a long shot, but the album was on loop, setting the mood, while I was writing out the scenes. 
> 
> (3) I believe there's a lot to unpack on addiction and coping, please feel free to discuss it in the comments and I'll try my best to get back to them. 
> 
> (4) Thank you so much for reading! 


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